


Love Me Tomorrow, If Not Today

by mackenziemchale



Category: The Newsroom (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Divergence, Complete, Eventual Fluff, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Mac is telling Will about Brian, Pre-Series, So yeah eventual fluff, This is gonna be a lot of angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-02
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:34:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 27,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27353554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mackenziemchale/pseuds/mackenziemchale
Summary: Mac finally lets out a slow breath and turns toward Will, the tears having returned, “there’s something I need to tell you.”
Relationships: Will McAvoy/MacKenzie McHale
Comments: 64
Kudos: 34





	1. Downfall

**Author's Note:**

> Another pre-series fic except in a completely different way because I feel like I’m better at writing relationships that are already established. 
> 
> This is gonna be an angst fest but I promise there will be fluff eventually.
> 
> Enjoy 💛

Will turns to Mackenzie in bed and scans her profile as she keeps her nose buried in the book she’d been reading for the last hour. He smiles at the sight, she looked adorable with her glasses resting on her face with a blanket wrapped around her lower half. She was deep into the book and he could tell because if he started trying to have a conversation, she wouldn’t hear him. It had happened before and it took him a whole ten minutes to figure out she wasn’t listening before he stopped talking. 

He reaches out and places a hand on her shoulder, “hey,” he starts, just to make sure he had her attention.

Mac looks up from her book and turns her head toward him, “hm?”

“I’m going to go watch some television in the living room. A game’s about to come on so I thought I’d watch for a little while. You’re welcome to join me if you want.”

Scrunching up her nose, Mac shakes her head, “as much as I’d love to have you spend the next few hours screaming in my ear about the other team scoring unfairly, I think I’ll have to pass on that one.”

Will chuckles, not even trying to deny that he does in fact get annoyed when the opposing team scores, “okay that’s fair, I’ll try to keep it down. Enjoy your book.” His lips curve into a small smile and then he presses a kiss to her forehead.

She watches as he slides off the bed they had been spending the last hour just quietly enjoying their Saturday afternoon together on. A smile stays wiped across her face from the forehead kiss he gave her as she watches him leave their room. Mac was enjoying every moment of their domesticity and she was trying to soak it all up before they had to go back to work. They didn’t get breaks often, so when they did she tried to take advantage of every moment they had together.

Mac returned to her book for another ten minutes before she decided to move on to something else. She rather enjoyed her book, but she enjoyed it so much that she didn’t want to finish it just yet. She hated getting so into a book that she’d finish it right away and not savor it instead. So instead of continuing to read, Mac places her book on her bedside table and grabs her laptop from where it had been resting just below her.

Opening up her laptop, she tries to turn it on and after a couple tries, she realizes that it’s dead. “Of course, just my luck,” she grumbles. After placing her laptop back in its place, and making sure it’s plugged in this time, Mac scoots over to Will’s side of the bed. She then grabs hold of his laptop, knowing that he wouldn’t mind if she borrowed it for a little while. 

Once the laptop is on and she has Google pulled up, Mac begins to type, however she doesn’t make it past the first letter which was H. When she looks at what the browser was trying to fill in from a previous search, her heart rate instantly picks up and her mind instantly throws out what she’d originally been thinking about searching.  **Homes for sale in Manhattan** , read the auto-filled search.

“Homes for sale in Manhattan…” she quietly reads to herself, confirming that her mind wasn’t playing tricks on her. 

Will was looking for homes in Manhattan? A home, not an apartment, not even a home to rent because it clearly said homes for sale. A home. Did this mean what she thought it meant? They’d been together going on two years now and marriage had crossed her mind before but she wasn’t sure if Will was there yet. They had discussed it awhile ago when they were first getting to know each other and he said he’d want to get married if he ever found the right person, but holy shit, was it really her?

If Mac was honest with herself, she was never sure she’d actually settle down. When she was little, she was never the type to sit around dreaming of her wedding while she waited for her Prince Charming to come and find her. Not that there was anything wrong with that, but it was never Mac. She spent her childhood reading books and expanding her worldview beyond what she knew. It helped that she also travelled with her family a lot due to her father being an ambassador. 

As a teen, she definitely dated here and there but nothing that lasted more than a year. She was so focused on her studies that she never really thought too much about relationships. Mac couldn’t help but be focused on getting into Cambridge, and that was exactly what she did. She definitely dated more while at Cambridge, but still she saw herself as independent and too in love with her work to ever seriously date someone. 

Of course Brain came along and they dated for quite some time and at some point, she thought Brian would ask her to marry him but not because she wanted to marry him necessarily, she just thought since it was the longest she’d ever dated anyone it was bound to happen.

Then she met Will. From the moment they met she felt some sort of connection with him, not love, she certainly wasn’t one to believe in love at first sight, but a connection. Once they started dating, she fell further and further away from never wanting to settle down. When she realized she was in love with him, about a year ago, that’s when Mac knew that if there was ever going to be anyone she would settle down with, it had to be him. He understood her like no other and she still felt like she could be in love with her work while simultaneously in love with him, because he was the same way. That could make things difficult, especially when it came to finding time for each other where they were alone and not thinking about their jobs, but somehow it worked.

So, seeing this previous search come up in the autofill for Google, Mac couldn’t help but feel butterflies. Part of her couldn’t believe she felt them, she’d never been in a relationship this serious before. It was absolutely thrilling and mortifying all at once yet Mac wouldn’t want any other relationship. Will wanted to get married and for the first time in her life, the thought of marriage was exciting.

All of Mac’s excitement comes to a screeching halt the moment her brain flips the switch and reminds her of the one immense weight that’d been sitting on her for months, nearly a year. The four month long fling she’d had with Brian a year into her relationship with Will. Fling wasn’t even the right word, she didn’t know what to call it. It was her trying to get unrejected by her shitty ex boyfriend and certainly wasn’t any type of relationship. No, a relationship was what she and Will had. Whatever that four month period she had with Brian was the furthest from any sort of relationship.

The guilt had been crushing her for almost a year and somehow she managed to push it away every time a reminder of that period tried to rear its ugly head out of the darkness. She didn’t love Brain and when she was seeing him for that four month period, she realized how much she actually disliked him. He was an asshole and not in the way that Will could be sometimes. Will could be an ass but at the end of the day she knew his heart was genuine, that he cared more than he liked to let on. Brain on the other hand was just an ass through and through. He was manipulating and condescending. Lord knows what Mac ever saw in him when they actually dated. She couldn’t explain why she needed so desperately to be unrejected by him that she spent four months seeing him. 

The only thing that came out of that four month period was that Mac realized how much Will meant to her. She realized she was falling for him and she was well past the point of going back. She could still remember the first time she told him she loved him. It was late at night, somewhere around two in the morning, and she’d just crawled back into bed after being unable to sleep (partly because of the guilt of the four month fling that had just ended two weeks prior), and as she crawled back into bed she managed to cause enough ruckus that it woke Will up. He was groggy and confused and Mac just leaned down and kissed his forehead, telling him to go back to sleep. Without thinking she whispered that she loved him and he whispered it back before he fell asleep, too tired to consider that it was the first time they’d said that to each other. Of course in the morning Will asked if she’d actually said that or if he’d dreamt it, but Mac told him again and she not only told him verbally but also physically. From then on their relationship grew stronger than it had ever been and Mac tucked away the guilt she felt for seeing Brian and tried to never think of it.

But it seemed, like all lies, this one was coming back to haunt her and she wasn’t quite sure she could outrun it this time. 

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Mac spends the next half hour pacing the room trying to figure out what to do as she tuned out Will shouting at the tv because of the opposing team scoring. Will wanted to get married, or at least he was considering it for later down the line because she knew there was no way he was looking at houses just for himself. He didn’t need a house, his apartment was big enough for multiple people. No, a house meant he was ready for the next stage, ready to make things permanent. The worst part was, she was too.

Her stomach was doing twists and turns and she was starting to make herself sick as she thought of how he probably had an idea in his head of proposing and her saying yes and everything ending happily. God why couldn’t this be one of those damn Disney movies where the couple gets married and gets their happy ending and everything is perfect?

Right on top of that were her thoughts of having to tell Will the truth, the fact that she’d even done what she had. It was making her nauseous, her hands were starting to sweat and she could swear she was starting to go pale. This was one of the worst things she was ever going to have to face. Mac had been through a lot shit in her life, but telling her boyfriend, the best thing that’s ever happened to her, that she cheated on him for four months topped the list of shitty things in her life by a mile. There was no way this was going to end well. 

Part of her was trying to convince her that it would, that maybe he’d listen to her reasoning and understand that seeing Brain for four months was never about him. He’d never, ever done anything wrong. It was all her and her inability to handle rejection. It’d never been about her feelings for Brian either, it wasn’t like she cheated because she still felt anything for Brian. Or that she’d fallen for him because he’d been long gone for nearly a year now and she was never going to see him again. 

She was almost naïve enough to think he’d listen to her explanation, but Mac knew Will. Yes, he had a caring heart that no one ever really saw besides her. He was pretty understanding too, but he had a stubborn side. One that usually reared its head during their fights, sometimes leading them to not make up for a couple days. They could both be stubborn, but Mac was sure he was more stubborn than she was. Regardless, she knew the moment the words slipped out of her mouth about what she had done, that would be it. He’d shut down and his seemingly impenetrable walls would go up, listening to her explanation would be the last thing he wanted.

It’s not like she could blame him either, Mac wished she could go back in time and stop herself from ever making that big of a mistake. It was without a doubt the decision she regretted the most. 

Mac’s shoulders fall as she stands at the door to their bedroom, her hand hovering slightly over the door handle. She closes her eyes as a single tear rolls down her cheek. He deserved to know the truth, if he wanted to marry her then needed to know  _ who _ he was marrying. Keeping this secret wasn’t worth ruining their marriage later down the line. Telling him now was going to stand in the way of it ever happening, but Mac knew it was better than keeping this secret for the next forty years.

It takes all of her strength to muster up the courage, but Mac’s hand eventually lands on the door handle and she slowly opens it.

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Will was sitting on the couch, completely oblivious to what Mackenzie had been going through in the last half hour. The internal debate of what to do with the fact that he was definitely going to propose at some point while she was harboring a horrible secret. No, he was clueless. Will was enjoying his football game and hoped that his shouting at the tv wasn’t too loud that it disturbed Mac’s reading. He couldn’t help it, sometimes he felt really passionate about the decisions made by both teams. 

So when Mac comes out of their bedroom and he hears her footsteps approaching the couch, he looks up as she walks around to sit with him. “I haven’t been too loud have I?”

She doesn’t answer right away, she looked distracted as if something was on her mind and it was bothering her. 

“Mac?” 

She snaps out of the trance in that instant, “what?” then she shakes her head when she realizes the question he asked, “oh, no, you’re fine.” 

Sitting down, she stares at her hands as they rest in her lap, they’d been clammyfor a while now and still hadn’t returned to normal. Her heart was beating at a rapid pace and part of her was afraid that it would come out of her chest. On top of both of those, her stomach had been doing gymnastics for the last half hour and still hadn’t stopped. It seemed the gymnastics had only ramped up. 

Confused and concerned, Will sits up on the couch and grabs the remote next to him, muting the tv. He then places the remote back down and scoots over to Mac, placing a hand down on her back as he asks, “everything alright?”

There’s silence from her for a few moments that seem like minutes to him. Now he was the one with the gymnastics in his stomach as his mind conjured up all of the things that could be wrong, because he knew there was.

Mac finally lets out a slow breath and turns toward Will, the tears having returned, “there’s something I need to tell you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter isn’t anything special, it’s really just a set up for the next chapter but you gotta start somewhere right? 
> 
> I don’t know how many chapters this one will be but we shall see! I hope you enjoy it. 
> 
> Thank you for reading and as always, feel free to leave any comments or leave a kudos if you feel like it. Chapter 2 is coming soon 🧡


	2. The Truth Will Set You Free

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What’s there to explain Mackenzie?!” He had stopped in his tracks and was staring daggers at her, “you were sleeping with your ex boyfriend for four months because I wasn’t satisfying you enough? Is that it?” Will was angry, he never expected to be betrayed by her, ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew, the last week since I’ve uploaded has been something. I wanted to get this update up just a little sooner but with the election here in the states, I was pretty distracted. Now that it’s over I’ll be a bit more focused.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy this chapter!

What happened after the words “there’s something I need to tell you,” left Mackenzie’s mouth all happened in a blur. 

It was like she’d been in a car accident, her brain was already trying to do whatever it could to suppress the events that transpired two hours ago.

Mac throws back the rest of her glass of straight whiskey before she asks the bartender for another, making it her third glass of the night. The bartender was going to have to cut her off at some point, because if she didn’t then Mac was more than okay with drinking her weight in whiskey until she blacked out.

She was sitting in the bar of a hotel, it was ten minutes from her and Will’s (make that now just Will’s) apartment. She didn’t know where to go. Her parents had a vacation home in upstate New York but there was no way she was going to go out of her way to drive there, besides it wasn’t like she had a key to get in. None of her siblings lived close enough, the closest was her sister, Olivia, but she lived in Massachusetts and that wasn’t worth the drive either. Mac had a couple friends she considered calling until she realized most of them were living with their own significant others. It was selfish of her to not want to see other couples right now, as if just because her own relationship had ended only a couple hours ago, that meant everyone else needed to be unhappy too. But, she couldn’t help it. Seeing people in love and seemingly happy was the last thing she wanted to see and she was going to avoid it as much as she possibly could. 

Taking the glass after the bartender sets her drink down, Mac downs another sip in her attempt to numb everything. She never really understood Edgar Allan Poe until just this moment, the man had a horrible life which led him to drink because drinking numbed the pain. Now she got it, she was in a somewhat similar boat, trying to numb her pain and she’d been trying to do so for the past half hour that she’d been in the bar. 

Right after their breakup happened, Mac gathered only a few of her things and took a cab straight to this hotel. The only reason she knew the name of this hotel in particular was because Will brought her here once to eat at the restaurant that was on the other side of the lobby. He raved about how good the food was and insisted they come for a date, he even got them a room so they could pretend like they were on some sort of vacation away from their normal lives. It worked, because for the brief few days that they stayed here Mac (mostly) forgot that she was an executive producer for a news show and he was the news anchor. They were just two people that didn’t have to worry about work. Those few days had to be one of her favorites, that and the  _ actual _ vacation they took last summer which ended with them going to England to have Will meet her parents for the first time. She’d never forget how sweet he was, bringing her mother flowers and taking her father to an Orioles game. 

Mac quietly sniffles before taking another sip, holding in her tears as much as she possibly could. She was on the verge of a breakdown and she knew all it would take is one thing to make her spiral, but right now she was suppressing as much as could which included drinking. She couldn’t wait to get to her room and pass out after she was done drinking, at least that way she could escape for a few hours.

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Truth be told, Will couldn’t even begin to explain what he was feeling. He had experienced heartbreak before, the first girl he ever loved when he was a teen had broken his heart and he’d been through a couple other breakups that hit him a little hard. He always managed to get through them though, they all taught him a lesson as to what he wanted in a life partner and a relationship. He was just like Mackenzie when it came to settling down, he wasn’t sure it would ever happen. Then she walked into his life and he stupidly fell head over heels for her. How couldn’t he? Mac was a force to be reckoned with. She never took any of his shit and always pushed him to do better at his job. She brought out the best in him and they made a perfect team. Not to mention, the other parts of her that he loved. Her smile made his heart do a backflip. Her intelligence never failed to astonish him, which always made for fun arguments whether political, historical, or in any other context. There was so much Will loved about her, but most importantly when he was with her he felt like he was home. So, yeah, this heartbreak was almost more than a heartbreak. It was like his soul had been crushed and grinded up in dust.

His mind was playing the sick, cruel joke of replaying their breakup over and over again, because it was all he could focus on. 

_ “Will… Please…” Mac was standing up, having followed Will after he jumped up from the couch and started pacing around the room as his brain tried to process what he’d just been told. “Please let me explain, it’s-it’s not what you th-” _

_ “What’s there to explain Mackenzie?!” He had stopped in his tracks and was staring daggers at her, “you were sleeping with your ex boyfriend for four months because I wasn’t satisfying you enough? Is that it?” Will was angry, he never expected to be betrayed by her, ever. _

_ That hit her hard in the chest, but she knew she couldn’t blame him for wondering that because that’s how it seemed. “No! Not at all! Please,” she continues to beg and tries to walk up to him, reaching out for his hands. “Please just sit down with me and let me explain.” Mackenzie was fighting tooth and nail to hold back her tears, but she cried already and she didn’t want to cry anymore in front of him when she was the one who hurt him. _

_ Will pulls his hands away then takes a step back, “I want you out.” _

_ She stares at him for a short moment, not wanting to believe this was over, they were over. So, she takes one final chance and steps forward again and softly says, “Billy…” _

_ He looks down, hearing her say his nickname in this moment was like another shot to his shattered heart. He was mad, he was upset, he was beyond heartbroken, but there he’d be lying if he said there wasn’t a part of him that wanted to listen to her. A part that yearned desperately for her because his love for her was immeasurable. But he couldn’t, not now, he needed time and lots of it to process all of this and he needed to do it without her. “Out,” he demands. _

_ Mac can’t stop the tears from pooling in her eyes this time and her bottom lip begins to quiver, but she holds herself strong and manages to reply a simple, “okay,” without letting her voice waver. _

_ Will watches as she walks out of their apartment several minutes later, letting out a slow sigh and letting his shoulders fall.  _

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Staying in a hotel had its perks, Mac didn’t have to worry about certain responsibilities that she didn’t exactly have the energy for right now, like making the bed or worrying about dinner when she could just get room service. She felt like a zombie though, having not slept more than two hours a night in the three days that she’d been at the hotel. But hey at least she had a fridge full of alcohol right? What more could she want?

That’s exactly what she was doing right now, downing a glass of red wine while she sat in the disheveled bed and half paid attention to the movie that was playing. Alongside not having slept more than two hours since she arrived, Mac had also barely left the bed except to pick up any room service she ordered or go to the bathroom. The first night was the only night she left her room to go drinking down at the bar and she definitely regretted getting close to blacking out in a random hotel bar. If she was going to get wasted out of her mind, it was better to do it in the safety of her room. That was another thing, Mac hadn’t been sober these past few days either. She wasn’t drinking as soon as she got up or anything but she wasn’t exactly going easy on the alcohol. 

And the reputation alcohol has for making people do stupid things stands strong as Mac picks up her blackberry and instantly calls Will.

“H-Hey…” she trails off, taking another sip of her wine before continuing, “I didn’t expect you to answer because… well I’m the last person you want to hear from right now but, I was just calling because I miss you. A lot actually,” there’s another pause, this time it’s longer, “and I wanted to say I’m sorry. I fucked up and I’m really sorry. I don’t-” there’s a loud beep making her groan both from how loud it was and because she realized that the voicemail had cut her off.

“Fucking voicemail…” she grumbles and dials Will back a second time to finish her voicemail. When she finally hears the machine say “leave the message after the tone” she starts in again, “sorry… damn machine cut me off. What I was saying was I don’t love Brian and I wasn’t sleeping with him for four months because I loved him, I just wanted to get unrejected by him. Please call me back so we can talk…” With that she finally hangs up and sighs, having a sinking feeling that Will was never going to listen to her voicemails. 

Twenty minutes later, after finishing off her glass of wine, Mac puts aside the glass for the time being and grabs her laptop. That, along with some of her clothes, were all that she managed to grab before leaving the apartment. She still had a plethora of things left there that she needed to go and pick up. Hopefully if she timed it right, she’d get to the apartment when Will wasn’t there so he wouldn’t kick her out when he saw her. Thankfully she still had a key and there was no way he changed the locks that fast, not with his busy schedule. 

On her laptop, Mac begins to pursue apartments in Washington, D.C. and in Atlanta. She hadn’t been into work in the past three days, but she had called her boss and asked about transferring and what positions were open. Her options came down to D.C. and to Atlanta. Both seemed to be good jobs, she’d be producing in D.C. but a field reporter in Atlanta so that one was a little more appealing. Maybe she’d get to travel, it would be a nice change of pace. Besides, the thought of having to produce another anchor was not on her to-do list at the current moment. And yes, maybe part of it (or all of it) had to do with the fact that she wouldn’t be producing Will, but trying to test whether or not she got along with the D.C. anchor wasn’t what she felt like doing. Plus, D.C. was too close to New York, Mac felt like her best option was to get as far away as she could for now. 

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It was 10:30pm by the time Will got home, showered, and changed into his pajamas for the night. He still wasn’t used to being alone, which was strange considering he spent most of his adult life alone. The silence in his apartment was nearly deafening, Will was used to it being filled with the sound of Mackenzie's angelic voice or laughter. Being alone in his apartment wasn’t the only thing he was having a hard time adjusting to, not having Mac produce him was a whole other level of difficulty.

Will didn’t realize until she didn’t show up to work the day after their breakup how much he took her for granted. The person filling in as EP for the time being wasn’t a bad producer, but he’d been off his game the last three nights. That also had to do with trying to process their breakup, but not having Mac certainly didn’t help either. He was nowhere near as good at his job as he was with her and that was just a plain fact.

Sliding into bed, Will grabs his Blackberry from his bedside table and does a quick check through of his messages and voicemails in case he missed anything important from anyone. When he reaches his voicemails, his heart starts beating fast as he sees  **Mackenzie (2)** written plainly at the top of the list. Part of him wants to delete it, never listen to what she has to say and move on. He’d get used to living without her and working without her, he’d already done it for most of this life. But, he’d be lying if he said he didn’t want to know what she had to say.

Will stares at her name for another full minute, going back and forth on what to do. Finally coming to a decision, he shakes his head and closes out his voicemails, placing his Blackberry down on the table again. Will was still too mad at her to listen to whatever it was she had to say. As he already explained to her, there wasn’t a single explanation he could give that would make things better, getting the image of her with Brian out of his brain was near impossible. 

No, there wasn’t anything she could say that would make things better. Mac made it clear to him that he wasn’t enough to satisfy her and not enough to be the one to make her happy for the rest of her life. It was a knife to the gut, but it seemed that this was just something he was going to have to live with. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like things seem a little slow with this story right now or maybe it’s just me, but either way I promise I’m building up to some exciting stuff. 
> 
> Thank you for your lovely comments on the first chapter and thank you for taking the time to read it and this chapter. 
> 
> Feel free to leave any thoughts or a kudos, if you feel so inclined. I’ll see you guys soon with chapter three 💜


	3. Can’t We Just Pretend?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There was only one thing she needed to do before leaving town and it was what she’d been putting off the most— going back to Will’s apartment for her things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is one that I’ve had in mind before I even came up with the fic. I considered just making this a one shot, but then I figured why not make a multi-chapter fic? And thus this story was born. 
> 
> Also, you may have noticed if you read the tags when I added the first chapter that I’ve since added a canon divergence tag. This chapter is the start of that. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy 💛

Time went by slower than it ever had for Mackenzie. She could recall back in school when she’d stare at the clock waiting for the class she was in to end and that would inevitably make the time pass even slower than it already felt like it was. She had a similar feeling now, except it lasted for a week and a half and there didn’t seem to be an end in sight.

It had been a week and a half since their breakup and by the fifth day of her moping in her hotel room, she managed to begin pulling herself out of the rut she’d been in since the moment she left Will’s apartment. Her hotel room was no longer a mess (well, for the most part anyway), she was sleeping at least and extra hour or two at night, she was leaving the room and actually trying to live her life unlike before, and the drinking had been cut down to no more than four glasses of wine a day. It wasn’t the best, she could be drinking less, but just a few days ago Mac was drinking nearly a whole bottle a night. 

Just a couple days ago, Mac had been able to find an apartment in Atlanta. The only bad part was she hadn’t seen it in person yet, but it didn’t matter too much because the place was in her price range and that mattered more to her than seeing the place in person. Whatever she could do to get out of New York City the fastest, she was going to do it. Mac had been accepted to the job just yesterday and with that news, she instantly booked a flight to Atlanta and she was set to be out of New York by tomorrow at 2:00pm

There was only one thing she needed to do before leaving town and it was what she’d been putting off the most— going back to Will’s apartment for her things. She hadn’t seen or spoken to him at all since their breakup, she quit her job as his EP yesterday after she’d been accepted for the new job in Atlanta so she wasn’t seeing him at work and it wasn’t like she had shown up since their break up anyway. Mac had called him, several times in fact but to no avail. She didn’t think he’d call back but she’d be lying if she said she didn’t have the tiniest hope. Mac knew somewhere, under all of that anger he built up, he still loved her. It wasn’t just going to go away that easily, her feelings certainly hadn’t and if she knew Will (she did, better than anyone) then she knew his feelings hadn’t either.

Brushing her hair out of her face, Mac lets out a sigh as she picks up her bag full of the things she already had from his place. She throws it over her shoulder and begins for the door, hoping that she was right about Will’s schedule and that he wouldn’t be there when she got to his place.

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8:00pm, Will was in the studio right now. She’d been positive to check the time several times before making sure to choose to go to Will’s apartment then. She knew she’d waited last minute to come and get her things, but putting off returning to his place had been easier, except there was no waiting now because she was leaving tomorrow afternoon. Thankfully she still had her key, so getting in and out was going to be simple, or so she thought. 

“Billy…” His name left her lips the second she stepped into his apartment and saw him standing near the door, as if he’d heard her coming in. 

Seeing him broke her heart in more ways than one. It brought back the pain of their breakup, the pain of losing him. Not that those had disappeared, but they were back at full force seeing him standing a few feet from her. Not to mention the way he looked, he was disheveled. He looked like he hadn’t slept in days and that as apparent from the dark circles under his eyes. His hair was a mess, his clothes too. Mac hated seeing him this way and knowing that it was because of her.

It still hurts beyond words for Will to hear his nickname coming from her, it was like squeezing a lemon on a paper cut. He was still in shock from seeing her standing in the doorway of his apartment, he hadn’t been expecting her at all, “what… what are you doing here?”

Mac can see the visible pain in his eyes and she regretted coming here to begin with, she should’ve just emailed him or called him telling her she needed her stuff. Then again, he ignored everything she’d sent so far since their breakup so there was a slim chance he’d answer an email or listen to a voicemail about her needing her things.

“I’m sorry…” she pauses and darts her eyes away from his, finding it harder to keep eye contact, “it’s eight… I thought you’d be… well on the air right now since the show is on. I just.. needed my things because I leave for Atlanta tomorrow.”

“I, uh, called in sick today,” Will says plainly. He really had never been one for calling in sick to work unless he really was, but the morning had been particularly rough so he just decided to stay home today. And boy did he know how to pick when to take off, because it was just his luck that she’d show up on the one day he decided to. “You’re going to Atlanta?” He quickly follows up. Will knew she had quit her job, she hadn’t been at work since their breakup and their boss told him as soon as she quit. The news laid another weight on top of him, he’d been struggling without her at work (and outside of it too) and learning that she quit was the last nail in that coffin. It was going to be difficult trying to move on without her and who knew what the show would become?

“Yeah…” Mac finally looks back up at him, forcing herself to make eye contact no matter how much it pained her to see his hurt. “I um… I got a job as a field reporter and I start Monday. I’m leaving tomorrow to get moved into my apartment,” she explains. 

She had to admit she was surprised at his curiosity, he didn’t seem to be as mad as she would’ve expected him to be. Then again, this could just be because he was trying to make things less awkward than they already were. Either way, she was relieved he hadn’t kicked her out already.

Will nods, “you always talked about possibly doing that one day… I’m happy for you.” He actually was, even though happiness was at the bottom of his list of feelings he’d been feeling lately, there was a little bit there knowing she got a job she’d wanted for awhile. And he had to admit, he was going to miss her like crazy even though he’d try to deny it, but not even living in the same city anymore added to his sadness. 

Mac almost feels herself smiling at that, “thank you.” She almost couldn’t believe that he was happy (at least somewhat) for her. Mac would’ve never thought their interaction would’ve gone like this had she known she was going to run into him sooner. “I should get my things,” she says, finally pivoting back around to the point of her being there.

He nods, remembering that was the entire reason she came, “right… go ahead. I’ve left everything of yours alone. I’ll be, uh, in the living room if you by chance need any help.”

She nods too and thanks him quietly before they part, Mac heading to their bedroom, while Will goes to the living room.

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Being back in their bedroom brought a whole whirlwind of emotions Mac didn’t prepare herself for. She didn’t know why she didn’t even think that being in their room would make her feel like bursting into tears. Then again, she’d been more focused on whether or not she was going to run into Will and what she’d do if she did. Mac sniffles as she pulls more clothes out of the closet and carries them over to the chair where she had been folding them away into one of her bags. She could only hope she had enough room for all her clothes.

As the gathering of her things continue, Mac only grows more emotional as she starts picking up things that were more personal to their relationship. She was currently staring down at a framed photo of them that she’d kept on her bedside table. The picture was from the trip they spent together last summer, it was the vacation throughout Europe that ended with him meeting her parents because Will had never been in his life. Mac had done her fair share of traveling thanks to her dad being an ambassador so she knew all the spots she wanted to take him to. In the picture, they were standing in front of the Eiffel Tower, sharing a kiss. It was very Hallmark of her to find the picture of them in the city of love so sweet and heartwarming, but the trip had been special to both of them so she didn’t mind embracing the cheesiness of their kiss in front of the Eiffel Tower. 

Tears spring in her eyes as she looks at the photo and remembers the time they spent in Paris. It wasn’t nearly long enough, one could spend weeks exploring the city and still never finish. Either way, she enjoyed every moment they spent there: going to the Eiffel Tower, snacking on exquisite french pastries, visiting the Louvre, and so much more. Paris was probably her favorite part of the entire vacation (though she did enjoy her time in Rome) and to be quite honest she was surprised Will didn’t propose while they were there. They’d been on cloud nine since they arrived at their first stop, Will especially because traveling wasn’t part of his childhood. Although, she had to admit she was relieved he didn’t because that would be pushing the Hallmark cheesiness a bit to the edge. Not that she would’ve said no, but still.

Mac doesn’t notice Will as he glances into the bedroom to check on how her packing was going. He had to admit, it was taking longer than he would’ve expected but Mac did have a lot of clothing. Not to mention an endless amount of shoes. He was only at the doorway, not coming in so he wouldn’t bother her. That and he wouldn’t even know what to say, he still couldn’t wrap his brain around her being here and how that made him feel. 

As he’s standing there, he starts to hear what sounds like her sniffing and out of instinct, concern washes over him. He couldn’t help it. Will steps into the room a little further, “Mackenzie? You alright?”

God he wished he didn’t care, he did. He wished he could hear her sniffling and just walk away. But that would make him a heartless bastard, and even though he was pretty sure some people thought he was, he really wasn’t. Will had always cared about her well-being more than his own, which at times could be his kryptonite. 

Mac wipes her eyes quickly and nods, “yeah… yeah I’m fine,” she lies and tries her hardest not to sniffle again as she holds back what felt like the Hoover Dam overflowing and waiting to bust open. She doesn’t look up at him and instead quickly darts her eyes to the floor, telling herself not to look at him because that would be the straw that broke the camel’s back. 

He knows she’s lying, Will knew her well enough to know when she was and wasn’t okay. He considers not prying in the situation, considering the circumstances but when you’re someone’s partner for two years you can’t help but want to comfort them as much as you want to hate them for breaking your heart. So he does, he persists, “Mac…”

She tells herself over and over again not to look up, to ignore him until he leaves her alone. Once he did she’d pull herself together and get the hell out of this apartment and back to the hotel. Before she knew it, she’d be on a plane to Atlanta and trying to move on from him as much as she didn’t want to. However, all of that goes out the window the second she feels the picture leave her hands and his strong arms wrap around her small frame. The dam breaks the minute her face presses against his chest, sending her into a hysterical sobbing mess.

Mac doesn’t understand what he’s doing or why he’s doing it. She was convinced he hated her and she couldn’t blame him. She’d torn his heart into a million little pieces and then smashed those little pieces with a hammer. 

Truth be told, Will doesn’t know why he’s doing this either, comforting her. Well, he knows, because he loves her, his love is immeasurable but he was conflicted. Hating her was supposed to be easy and yet in the current moment hating her was like a long division problem, hard and something he didn't like doing. He didn’t know how he’d feel tomorrow, hell he didn’t know how he’d feel an hour from now, but what he did know was that comforting her was better than leaving her to herself.

Within several minutes Mac was able to calm herself from sobs to just light sniffles, and it helped that Will was rubbing her back. He hadn’t said anything to her like he normally did when comforting her, but the quiet comfort was just as effective as the soft whispers of reassurance were. 

She slightly shifts back, staying in his firm grasp and looks up at him, still utterly confused. Her cheeks were red now and her eyes were bloodshot and still glimmering with tears. She wanted to ask why he was bothering or why he hadn’t thrown her out already, but she was afraid that he’d stop holding her and do just that if she said anything. 

Mac looks down at his lips for a brief moment then back up at his eyes, realizing in this moment how much she missed him. The tears she’d just spilled were more over losing him but right now she was focused on how much she missed him in the past week and a half. They hadn’t spent more than a few days apart when they started dating so a week and a half felt like a year had gone by since he last held her like this. She watches as Will does the same exact move she’d just done, staring down at her lips and looking back into her eyes. They both were thinking along the same lines.

It wasn’t one or the other who initiated it, so it came as no surprise to either when their lips met in a kiss that started off just as a slow and short kiss, lasting only a few seconds. That was all she deemed it was going to be until he stared at her for just a short second before bringing her into another kiss, this time with more vigor. This kiss came as a slight surprise to her only because she’d have expected him to be pulling away and running out of the room. Then again, they were together for two years and there was no way he couldn’t be feeling even a fraction of what she was.

Will starts guiding her backward, holding on to her as he brings her over to the bed. Mac’s hands fumble as they try to undo his belt buckle, almost nervous like they were having sex for the first time. At least that was the direction she figured this was going in, he wouldn’t be guiding her to the bed and making out with her with such fervor for nothing. Mac wasn’t going to dare to stop to question him though, too afraid that all of this would crumble away and that was the last thing she wanted. 

Eventually, she’s able to get his belt off and his pants and shirt came off with ease after that. Her confidence seemed to come back whenever he made a joke about how hard belt buckles could be as he pulled away to move his lips down to her neck. It got a small laugh out of her and reminded her of  _ who  _ she was with. She instantly felt comfortable again after that and now she was pulling off the last article of clothing from his hips as she laid back on the bed and moaned as he gave ample attention to both of her breasts. 

With all of their clothes discarded to the floor below them, Mac brings her hands to his hair and pulls him back to her eye level. They don’t do anything or certainly say anything for a moment except share a bittersweet look. Her hand was holding one of his cheeks and she was trying to hide her sadness, but both of them knew what this meant. This wasn’t a hello again, a reunion, because it wasn’t that simple. Life couldn’t be that easy for them. This was a departure, both of them getting some form of closure that was probably never going to be enough to heal the wounds, especially his. Part of her ached to tell him, remind him, that she loved him and she always would, but maybe it was better to express that through her actions. Plus, she knew that deep down he knew, even if it was buried under all of the anger and hurt that seemed oppressed right now.

The shared look only lasted ten seconds at the most, but it felt like minutes before Will brought his lips back to her own and let his hand fall down to one of her things, parting her legs slowly. She has a moment of realization and a particular part of her kicks in just as he settles his hips between her legs. 

“Wait,” Mac says as their lips part again.

Will stops everything that he’s doing and doesn’t move an inch, afraid himself that this is going to end. He watches in confusion as Mac reaches behind her and turns her upper half slightly to reach into his bedside table. Finally a minute after fumbling through the drawer, she turns back and undoes the shiny gold packaging of one of the many condoms from the drawer, making his confusion fade.

After he’s situated and settling back in between her legs, Mac grabs him by the nape of his neck and pulls him back down to her lips again. Now she was starting to get antsy, it was partly her own fault for pausing twice when they could’ve kept going but hindsight is 20/20 isn’t it?

Her lips were gone from his in a matter of another minute, as he spread her legs a little wider before finally sliding himself inside of her, eliciting the loud moan that was currently falling from her lips. 

And she had to admit that it was rather enjoyable to hear his own moans again as he thrusted into her. Her fingernails were dragging down his back while her head stayed tilted back as more moans came from her and he focused his lips on one of her prominent nipples.

Will tried to suppress admitting to himself that he missed this, he missed her— loving her in every way imaginable, but it failed every time. His impenetrable emotional walls had fallen for the time being and he’d let her right back in and he found himself never wanting this to end. Well, the sex would end eventually, but this time where they could just pretend like everything was okay and his brain suppressed everything he’d been feeling for the last week and a half. He never wanted that to end. If only it were that simple.

They carry on for the next hour, switching positions a couple times and filling the room with moans loud enough for the neighbors to hear, but it certainly wasn’t the first time they’d done that. 

By the time they finished, Mac was exhausted and barely keeping her eyes open as she watched Will disappear into the bathroom. Her muscles were worn out and now that she was resting against the mattress and her mind wasn’t preoccupied with pleasuring him or being pleasured, she was finding it rather easy to drift. It helped that she was wrapped under the sheets and the comforter making her all nice and cozy, the only thing missing was him.

She managed to keep her eyes open long enough to wait for his return, even though she had to force them back open a few times. When he slides back into the bed, Mac scoots over to him and hums quietly as he puts an arm around her. It was moments after he kissed the top of her head that Mac finally let herself fall asleep. Will wasn’t too far behind, staying up only a couple extra minutes to set his alarm for the morning and switch off the light.

Both of them fell asleep together, letting their brains continue to pretend like everything was okay when it was certainly far from it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly this chapter is just me skating the line of Will wanting to be mad at her but having a difficult time because he’s loved her for two years and it doesn’t go away that easily. 
> 
> Kinda nervous to see what you guys will think but either way I hope you enjoyed it and thank you for taking the time to read.
> 
> As always feel free to leave your thoughts or just a kudos. See you soon with chapter four 💙


	4. Paris

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In fact, every place they’d been to so far had been more beautiful than the last and Will couldn’t believe he’d been missing out on these sights his whole life. Growing up in Nebraska, he didn’t see much besides fields filled with nothing to do except using his imagination.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You’re going to have to wait until chapter five to see what happens when they wake up after the night they had. Sorry guys 😂
> 
> In the meantime, enjoy a flashback of their time in Paris. A little bit of happiness amongst the angst.

_ “Honey, our flight leaves in an hour! We should’ve been at the airport already!” Will exclaims from across the hotel room. _

_ He didn’t even know what the hell she was doing in the bathroom still. Mac had insisted she was getting ready for the flight and when she started getting ready, they were already cutting it close with how much time they’d have to get to the airport and through security, but now they were really cutting it close. Will got more and more anxious as the minutes kept passing by. He was the type to get to the airport as early as possible just in case the security line was long or any other setback happened that could possibly make them miss their flight. They’d been traveling through Europe for the past five days and hadn’t missed a flight yet, but that still didn’t make him any less anxious about the possibility of it. _

_ Mac finally emerges from the bathroom a few minutes later, dressed simply for their flight. She was in a plain shirt and jeans, the clothing she only really wore on weekends or days off from work because usually she was in a blouse or button down paired with a skirt and heels. “Oh don’t get your knickers in a twist Billy, we’ll make it to the flight with plenty of time,” Mac insists as she walks over to where she left her sneakers and begins putting those on. _

_ Will looks her up and down when she steps out of the bathroom, of course she looks gorgeous but that’s what took her so long? He would’ve thought they were getting ready to go out for a fancy dinner with how long she took. “Don’t get me wrong you look beautiful, but did you really take an hour to put on a t-shirt and some jeans?” _

_ Standing back up, Mac grabs her purse since Will had already gathered their luggage in the time she took to get ready. “It’s not just the t-shirt and jeans,” she says and slides the purse over her shoulder. “I had to take a shower and if I recall, someone kept distracting me… so who’s fault really is it that we’re late?” Mac squints her eyes at him and slightly raises one of her brows as she approaches him. _

_ “Hm..” Will looks off to his left for a moment, “you know, I can’t say I recall distracting you while we were in the shower,” he answers, pretending as if he hadn’t been very handsy in the shower among other things. _

_ She finally reaches him and chuckles as she grabs hold of her luggage and begins pulling it with her toward the door, “mhm, sure you don’t.” _

_ Will turns his head then turns completely as she keeps walking past him, he expected her to stop so they could have a little moment before they left, “hey I thought we had a thing there?” he questions as he grabs his own luggage and follows behind. _

_ “Next time don’t distract me, we’re late remember?” Mac returns, only teasing by throwing his need to be at the airport already back at him simply because she enjoyed pressing his buttons. _

_ “You’re good, I’ll give you that, McHale.” _

_ She shrugs and opens the door as he approaches behind her but not before turning and giving him a smirk, “and don’t you forget it,” she demands. _

_ Will watches as she exits the room, walking with a sway in her hips toward the elevators just down the hall. He knew she was doing it on purpose, and he couldn’t help but be an absolute sucker for it. He exits the hotel room just seconds after and follows closely behind.  _

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_ They landed in Paris a little over two hours later with no issues. Getting to their flight had been rather simple too, they weren’t far from the airport so they got there with plenty of time to spare. Will even slept the whole flight, which Mac teased him for whenever he woke up, remarking how he was such a grandpa. Though she had to admit, she almost considered a nap herself because of how tired she was. She’d adjusted to the time zone change the first few days in the trip as well as caught up on jet lag, but they’d stayed up way too late last night drinking and eating as much Italian food as they could before they left Rome.  _

_ Despite the mild exhaustion hanging over Mac’s head, she was going to make the most of their first day in Paris. They only had about four days there, which wasn’t nearly enough time, but with their work schedules they could only shell out two weeks of a vacation before they had to be back. Even two weeks was a long time for them to be gone, neither had taken that much time off from work but they’d been planning this trip for quite some time now and they both needed the break.  _

_ Since they had landed just after lunch time, Mac dragged Will to the first restaurant she could find in the little brochure left in their hotel room. One thing she’d learned by having been to Paris once before with her family (besides enough of the language to get around), was that the French valued lunch over any other meal of the day. It was usually a big lunch and then a small dinner, which was opposite of what Americans did but nonetheless, they enjoyed their massive lunch.  _

_ “You know I think you’re going to have to carry me back to the hotel… after a lunch like that, I think I need another nap,” Will jokes. _

_ “Another nap? Maybe we should’ve asked for a senior citizen discount when we paid,” she teases. _

_ They hold hands as they walk down the sidewalk and in the direction of their next stop, the Eiffel Tower. “You think you’re hilarious with your jokes don’t you?” he asks as he glances across at her.  _

_ “Oh, I know I’m hilarious,” Mac smiles and continues mostly leading the way to the Eiffel Tower. _

_ Will shakes his head and turns back to look at the city around him, it was a city that was packed tight with more to do than one could dream of. It was beautiful too. In fact, every place they’d been to so far had been more beautiful than the last and Will couldn’t believe he’d been missing out on these sights his whole life. Growing up in Nebraska, he didn’t see much besides fields filled with nothing to do except using his imagination. When he first arrived in New York City as a young adult, he couldn’t believe how big the city was and how much there was to do. Now here he was in a city that probably had even more to offer than NYC and he had a genuine excitement about doing as much as they could before they moved on the next part of their trip. _

_ Their walk to the Eiffel Tower wasn’t all too long and it felt shorter than it actually was, there was just so much to take in that it kept their minds occupied.  _

_ “Isn’t it just exquisite?” Mac asks as they stand side by side, far enough away from the sight to really take it all in with the people and city that surrounded it. _

_ Will glances down at her and smiles at her fascination with how beautiful the tower before them was. It certainly was, he felt honored to be in the presence of such a historic symbol. Seeing it with his own eyes could never compare to any picture of it. He can’t help himself but make a cheesy comment, “yeah, but I’ve seen better.” _

_ She looks up at him with a slight frown, momentarily confused until she realizes what he was saying. Rolling her eyes, Mac lightly elbows him, “shut up.” Though it was hard to hide faded red color when it creeps into her cheeks as she quickly looks away. And she’d be lying if she said she didn’t have just the smallest of butterflies.  _

_ Smiling to herself, Mac looks back at the Eiffel Tower and notices couples posing in front of the site for pictures. Some were just standing next to each other with one arm around the other while other couples were kissing. In one case a man was kissing his girlfriend and had her dipped back, it was very reminiscent of the Unconditional Surrender statue based on the historic photo. _

_ Mac instantly turns back to Will, her eyes bright and a little wider. “Oh no, you’ve got that look on your face,” he replies as he notices her expression had changed to an eager and hopeful one, “this can’t be good.” _

_ “We have to get a photo of us kissing in front of it.” _

_ He instantly scrunches up his nose at that, “can’t we just take one good picture of the tower and call it a day?” _

_ “Oh, Billy pleaseee,” she begs and initiates her pouting face which consists of batting her eyelashes and sticking out her bottom lip. _

_ Will was still opposed, he figured seeing the tower was enough, did they really need to go and take a picture in front of it like all the other couples were doing? He was already getting tired of the number of people they were around, he was ready to retire back to their hotel for some peace and quiet until tomorrow.  _

_ “I don’t know…” _

_ “Pleaseee? Do it for me, the woman you love more than anything in the world. Plus I’ll get the photo printed and put it somewhere in the apartment so that way it’s not just sitting in some photo album that’s covered in dust.” _

_ He didn’t know how he had resisted her pouty look for more than a couple seconds, because one look at that face and he was ready to give her the entire universe. Will finally breaks and gives in, “oh alright, I can’t say no to that face.” _

_ Mac smiles from ear to ear, making her eyes crinkle at each outer corner in the way that Will adores. “Thank you! Thank you!” She exclaims cheerfully and grabs his hand, “now c’mon.” With that, she was dragging him off closer to the tower so they could get the best picture possible. _

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_ It was almost eight before the two of them finally settled back in their hotel room after spending their day exploring the city. Will was pretty sure Paris had to be the most beautiful city on their trip so far, although it was hard to compare the cities, they were all beautiful in their own right.  _

_ Stepping out of the bathroom after washing her face and getting changed, Mac notices Will was laying in bed with his Blackberry pressed against his ear, who was he calling at this hour? Granted, it was afternoon back at home, but still. _

_ “Who are you on the phone with my love?” she questions as she approaches the bed. _

_ “I was trying to see if I could get a hold of Jane (one of their co-workers) or someone else in the newsroom. I just wanted to check in and see how they’re doing without us,” he answers, keeping the phone pressed to his ear. _

_ “Billy...” Mac sighs and slides in next to him. _

_ “What?” _

_ She leans over to him and snatches the phone out of his hand without a second thought, “don’t think about work, they’re doing fine without us, I promise. We went on this vacation for a few reasons and one of those was to take a break from work, which includes not thinking about it.” Mac had moved to position herself where she was slightly hovering over him as she said that, her eyes were soft and kind, though her words were more stern. _

_ Will reads her face for a second and sighs, “I know, I know, I just don’t want everything we’ve been building together for the past year and a half to be ripped to pieces somehow.” _

_ “That’s not gonna happen,” she assures and brings one of her hands to his cheek, “and if it does then I’ll ensure that whoever is at fault sleeps with one eye open at night for the rest of their life.” _

_ That makes him chuckle, “wouldn’t want to be the sad sap who crosses you.” _

_ “They won’t know what hit them.” Mac smiles down at him, glad that she’d distracted him from worrying too much about work. Leaning down, she gives him a quick peck then settles back down next to him, handing his phone back over. “Why don’t we watch something on my laptop?” They’d brought several movies to watch whenever their nights weren’t busy being spent enjoying the nightlife of whatever city they were in had to offer. Some nights both of them were too tired to stay out past eight and that was the case tonight.  _

_ “Mm, sounds good. What’re you in the mood for?” _

_ Leaning over the edge of the bed, Mac snatches her bag with her laptop and movies in it off the ground and places them on the bed with them. “How about A League of Their Own?” she suggests. _

_ “That the one with Tom Hanks coaching a girl’s baseball team?”  _

_ “That’s the one.” _

_ “Okay sure, sounds good.” _

_ After several minutes of getting everything set up and turning off the lights, leaving only a lamp on the table next to them switched on and the light from her laptop to illuminate the room, Mac settles in next to Will. She places the laptop down on their now interlaced legs and lets out a small sigh as she relaxes. It was nice after all the traveling they’d done today to just take a couple hours to do basically nothing.  _

_ It was only fifteen minutes into the movie that Mac decides to lay her head down on his shoulder, seeking more of his comfort that she loved dearly. That makes him crack a smile and reach over for her hand, taking it into his own. _

_ At one point, maybe an hour and a half into the movie, Mac reaches out to the laptop and lowers the volume. “Billy can I ask you something?” she poses the question as her hand pulls away from the laptop and slides back into his. _

_ “Sure,” his eyes were still locked on the movie, but he was ready for whatever she had to ask. _

_ Mac shifts a little so she can look at him, “where do you see us a year from now?” _

_ That question makes Will break his gaze on the movie and he turns to look back at her, “where do I see us a year from now?  _

_ “Yeah… or rather, do you still see us when you think about the future?” Mac questions and notices that she’d begun chewing on her bottom lip like she had a habit of doing, but this was more because of her nerves. She didn’t know why she chose right this second to ask but maybe it had to do with the movie. How there always seemed to be a potential for Dottie and Jimmy to be together but it never happened. It made her think about her own relationship and what their future would hold.  _

_ Had this been any other person, Will would've clammed up at the question without a thought, but this was Mac. He’d never been this in love with someone before and the question didn’t terrify him because he knew the answer was yes. He definitely saw them still together when he thought about the future. “I’m not sure what the future holds, but yeah… yeah I see us when I think about the future.” _

_ Her lips curve into a smile as any feeling of anxiety she had fades away, “you know I love you right?” _

_ Will pretends to think for a moment, “hmm… you know, I don’t think I’ve heard that before,” he jokes. _

_ That makes her laugh, “oh shut up.” _

_ He squeezes her hand and smiles back this time, “I love you too.” _

_ They share a short kiss before turning their attention back to the movie. Mac adjusts the volume back to what it was at and finally rests her head back on his shoulder. There wasn’t a doubt in her mind that this vacation was the best thing that’s ever happened to them. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank you for reading! 
> 
> Let me know your thoughts if you have any, and as always feel free to leave a kudos if you haven’t already
> 
> See you soon with chapter five 💙


	5. The Hope That Kills You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That’s when she realizes that maybe she did believe the saying that she grew up hearing.
> 
> It’s the hope that kills you.

There was a saying that Mac had heard frequently growing up, one that she wasn’t entirely sure she believed. The saying was starting to creep into her mind as she lays in Will’s bed with the memories of the previous night they had shared together flooding into her morning thoughts.

What time was it anyway?

Mac pushes herself up to peak over a sleeping Will to catch a glance at the clock on his bedside table and reads that it was only 7am. She still had an hour or so until he woke up. 

Instead of laying back down, she sits up in the bed, not wanting to leave it yet. Her eyes scan the bedroom that was lit by the smallest bit of sunlight that was peaking through the curtains on the window across from his bed. None of this felt real to her, Mac nearly felt like she wasn’t even in her own body as if this was someone else’s experience and she was just watching as it happened. 

That goes out the window when she hears Will next to her, softly grunting as he shifts in the bed and turns over on to his other side. She finally turns to look back at him and it hits her that this was all real, she was sitting in what used to be  _ their  _ bed and he was there next to her fast asleep. Her heart breaks (as if it could break anymore than it already had) as she looks down at him, because she knows the second he wakes up he’s not going to be like he was last night. He’s going to be mad, kick her out a second time, and that would be that for good.

She doesn’t want that to happen, Mac doesn’t want to leave at all. She wants to stay, work things out with him and fix their shattered relationship but that was easier said than done. She didn’t know what last night was, a moment of weakness for him was her best guess. The wounds were so fresh that, yes they stung, but he was able to temporarily forget about them for one night. Except now that night was over, it was morning, they were back into reality and things were broken in a way that only time could heal. 

This time she wanted to be the one to leave and not be thrown out. It was against her will, but it was for the best. She had a flight to catch to Atlanta in a few hours and Will had to be at work soon too, they needed to go their separate ways. It kills her to admit it.

Mac knew last night that they were saying goodbye to each other and getting closure in some way. It was a thought she’d had more than once, but she’d be lying if she said she didn’t think maybe for a second that they could fix things and eventually all would be well again. Will had loved her and held her as he always had except with more intensity last night. But, she knew in the moment that it wasn’t because he was welcoming her back into his life. That became clearer and clearer to her as she sat under the covers of his bed, staring at his room. One thing she failed to notice while packing last night was that a lot of the little touches she had added to the room when she moved in were gone. He said he didn’t touch any of her things, and he didn’t, but the life that was once present in his room had vanished.

That’s when she realizes that maybe she did believe the saying that she grew up hearing.

_ It’s the hope that kills you. _

__

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__

It was bittersweet for Mackenzie to watch Manhattan disappear from her view as the plane left for Atlanta. It felt as if a dumbbell was sitting on her chest while the memories of her time there flooded her mind. Moving to her first apartment, getting her first job in broadcasting, figuring out how to live in a city that truly never sleeps. She can’t stop her mind from pivoting to the memories that took up a majority of her ones made during her time in New York, the ones with Will. 

__

Meeting him for the first time, when he asked her out on their first date, when she realized she was madly in love with him and didn’t even know it until she’d already thrown away everything they had. It was a mixed bag of the good and the bad, but it was mostly good. He’d been the perfect boyfriend. That wasn’t even an exaggeration, it was as if he’d walked straight out of  _ Snow White _ , because he’d been her Prince Charming. Except she realized this way too late and now she was paying the consequences and running away to a city that was 869 miles from Manhattan. 

__

Upon arriving at her new apartment, Mac was happy that it was as nice as it appeared in the pictures. It wasn’t anything fancy, she wasn’t rich, but it was good enough for her. A simple one bedroom apartment with a kitchen, a bathroom, and a small living room. That was all she really needed, it wasn’t like she was going to spend the majority of her time here. Most of it would be spent at work and she’d really only be back in the apartment at night and in the mornings, so simple and small was exactly what she needed. 

__

Hauling in the few bags she’d brought with her, Mac starts in on unpacking immediately. There was still a lot she needed to buy and take care of, but for now she was going to focus all of her energy on getting unpacked for the night and making some attempt to rest.

__

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__

Everything around her was spinning. Maybe having two glasses of red wine followed by five shots of tequila with some of the other staff members as a welcoming party for her wasn’t the best of ideas. Then again, it was nice to numb what she’d been feeling since she left Will’s apartment just four days ago. She hadn’t stopped thinking about him. Every morning her first thought was about him. Some days she woke up missing him, other days she woke up worried about him and hoping he was okay. This morning had probably been the worst so far. 

__

Last night Mac ended up having a dream that she was still in Manhattan, that Will never kicked her out and instead listened to her explanation. In the dream they’d already mended their relationship and were going home together after a long day at work. She’d woken up right before he was about to kiss her goodnight and dissolved into a puddle of tears the moment she realized it was all a dream.

__

Mac pretended at work that everything with her was fine. She repressed her sadness as much as she possibly could and never spoke once about Will. Whenever anyone asked what brought her there, she gave the same answer: that she was looking for something new and different. Not that her boyfriend had kicked her out and she came running to the furthest city that had a job in her field with the same network. 

__

She grips onto the edge of the bathroom counter as she stares at herself in the mirror. She was starting to see double, and the room was still going round and round in circles. Breathing in and out slowly for several minutes straight with her eyes closed, Mac manages to get herself somewhat under control. She was still drunk out of her mind. Not at all thinking straight, but the double vision was starting to fade now and the spinning was finally slowing down.

__

A final slow breath escapes from her mouth and her shoulders fall as her body relaxes. Still staring at herself in the mirror, Mac stares directly at the outfit she had on and it takes her back to a previous time she was standing in the mirror. Except it was in the bathroom mirror in the apartment she shared with Will. She was wearing the same outfit though, and that was what was taking her back. 

__

“Do I look okay in this? I feel like I look ridiculous,” She remembered saying.

__

It was a simple outfit, just a plain white button down with black slacks instead of her usual skirt. The button down was tucked into the pants and while she didn’t completely hate the look, she could remember feeling insecure in it.

__

“You look beautiful, you always look beautiful,” Will had said as he stepped in from leaning on the doorframe behind her. 

__

His arms had come around her waist and he’d kissed the top of her head which had brought a bright smile to her face. Mac could feel the lingering of his arms around her holding her as tight as ever. He’d held her so many times before that the feeling was easy to conjure. The short and simple memory breaks her.

__

The tears started as the memory began replaying, but now that she’d relived all of it and the feeling of his arms around her was still lingering, she can’t stop herself when a sob chokes out of her throat. Rather than watch herself break apart in the mirror, Mac falls to the cold tile floor and sits against the wall next to her as she dissolves into a puddle of sobs. 

__

She wasn’t entirely sure how long she sat there crying, but she cried until her sobs lessened back into just tears streaming down her face every now and then. She felt like she could breathe again. One thing that hadn’t faded completely yet was the alcohol, she still felt the buzz and was internally cursing the alcohol for not doing the job of numbing her feelings for a long enough period of time.

__

The tears were still falling and she was sniffling here and there when she pulls out her Blackberry and without another thought, dials Will’s number. She wasn’t expecting him to answer, she knew she shouldn’t get her hopes up but she couldn’t help herself. The disappointment hits her when she hears his voicemail, but hearing his voice for a couple seconds was somehow a little soothing. “Hi it’s me…”

__

“I don’t know… why I had some hope that you’d answer after… well, everything. I guess it really is the hope that kills you isn’t it?” Mac is still sniffling as she talks and is letting the tears continue to roll down her cheeks, not bothering to wipe them away. “I… I don’t know why I called. I think I just… wanted to hear your voice,” she follows that with a half-hearted laugh, “which is completely stupid of me,” more sniffles, “I guess I should hang up before the machine cuts me off. Just one more thing, I’m sorry Will. For everything, I am. I’m so sorry.”

__

Mac sets her phone down next to her on the cold tile after hanging up and just stares at the white wall on the other side of the room as more tears keep falling. She had no plans to move from this spot anytime soon.

__

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__

When Will woke up after the night he and Mackenzie had shared together, he expected to roll over and see her laying next to him. He expected her to either already be awake (which was the most likely one to happen) or still be asleep all wrapped up in the sheets. So, it came as a surprise to him when he reached out in a half awake, half still asleep state and felt nothing on the other side of the bed. Usually they cuddled as they fell asleep and became broken apart during the night, but always came back together in the morning. Maybe she was too far out of reach for him? However that thought disappeared as soon as he turned over and saw the empty bed next to him. 

__

That woke him up a lot more and Will had sat up right away, confused and he had to admit, somewhat shocked that she wasn’t there. At first, he thought maybe she stepped into the kitchen to make breakfast or into the bathroom, but then he looked around the room and realized he was wrong again. His room was emptier. The bags she’d been packing last night were gone, her things were gone, and all that was left was his things.

__

Will’s gaze shifted over to what used to be her bedside table and he noticed what appeared to be a piece of paper that hadn’t been there last night laying there waiting for him to read it. So, he scooted over and picked it up, and realized that it was a note left by Mac.

__

The note read:

__

_ Billy, _

__

_ My flight for Atlanta is at 2pm. Don’t worry, I’ve gathered all of my things and I won’t be back to bother you again anytime soon. Thank you for last night and I’m sorry for everything. I think this is for the best.  _

__

_ All my love,  _

__

_ Mackenzie _

__

Will stared at the note for a long time and reread it multiple times.  _ I won’t be back to bother you again anytime soon _ . He read that particular part over and over again because there was a part of him, after last night especially, that wanted to be bothered again. He’d be lying if he said that he hadn’t woken up hoping somehow they could fix things. He was still mad at her, even if that had been put aside last night, so fixing things would take longer than either wanted, but maybe they could’ve. Now he’d never know because she was leaving for her flight in a few hours and he couldn’t bring himself to go and stop her. She’d made up her mind and now he was going to have to let go of that hope he had before any of it started to kill him. 

__

He got out of bed after at least another five minutes of reading her note and before he could take another step toward the bathroom, Will glanced down at her bedside table again and noticed something else she’d left for him. Carefully, Will picks up the picture and peels a note off the glass of the frame.

__

_ I gave it a lot of thought and I want you to keep this. I know you loved the trip more than me. Do whatever you want with the photo, it’s yours. — Mackenzie _

__

His eyes welled with tears and he cursed himself for getting emotional, but he couldn’t help it as he stared down at the picture of the two of them kissing in front of the Eiffel Tower. 

__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More angst! I promise we are almost to them seeing each other again. 
> 
> As always, thank you for reading and feel free to leave any thoughts you have or a kudos if you’d like. See you soon with chapter 6 ❤️


	6. Numb

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will was at an event that several other journalists were at when he learned what Mackenzie had gotten herself into in the past few months. He didn’t have a clue, he didn’t check in with her, but that never stopped her from calling and leaving voicemails and sending emails that he made sure to ignore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is somewhat inspired by Hanyolo.
> 
> Also, I know absolutely nothing about life on a military base or anything really that has to do with war so I apologize for any inaccuracies. 
> 
> Enjoy!

His anger grew over the next several months as the time since he last saw Mackenzie kept passing by. Will’s anger stemmed from what she’d done but some of it also stemmed from her leaving the morning after they slept together without so much of a word. Yes, she left a note, but she left like they had some sort of one night stand and he was just some stranger. That dug the knife in deeper and rather than dealing with the pain he was a feeling, the utter heartbreak, he settled into his anger. Suppressing his sadness and his desire to have her back in his life became easier when she ran away from New York. He wasn’t seeing her anymore, so the only thing tempting him to forgive her was the memories and those were being pushed very far back into his brain, with hopes he’d forget them.

Will was at an event that several other journalists were at when he learned what Mackenzie had gotten herself into in the past few months. He didn’t have a clue, he didn’t check in with her, but that never stopped her from calling and leaving voicemails and sending emails that he made sure to ignore. 

“Mackenzie McHale, she was your executive producer for a little while there wasn’t she?” One of his colleagues asks as they stand around a table with several other colleagues and sipped on their various drinks. Will had chosen an old fashioned and he was taking larger sips of it as his colleague said Mac’s name. 

His heart had jumped into his throat and he was desperately trying to swallow it back down before he gave his answer. Just hearing her name brought in the wave of emotions and he hated that he felt more than just the anger. “Oh yeah, for a while but she…” he swallows hard and keeps his composure, “well, it didn’t work out and she moved on to other things.”

“I’ll say,” the man raises his brows before taking a sip of his own drink. 

Will’s curiosity had been piqued, “what does that mean?” he asks without hesitation.

“You didn’t hear?”

He shrugs, “I don’t keep up with her, we didn’t really know each other that well.” That was the biggest lie he’s told but at least he wasn’t being questioned about it, although he was pretty sure most of the people in their network knew he and Mac had been seriously seeing each other for two years.

“Her and her crew went overseas a couple months ago, they’re in the Green Zone over in Baghdad.”

Will’s immediate reaction was nausea. She was overseas covering the war? He tries to fight the feeling of being worried about her, but he couldn't completely rid himself of that feeling. That’s how far she ran? She went right into a war zone because of their breakup?

When the silence between the comment his colleague made and his failure to respond becomes too long Will finally spits out, “wow, of all places I didn’t think she’d end up there.” He didn’t know what else to say, but then again it was true. He never would’ve expected for Mac to go all the way to the Middle East because of their breakup.

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Jim Harper glances across the dark room at his superior and mentor, whose face was lit by her computer screen as she quietly typed away on her laptop. She was biting down on her bottom lip and the concentration was fixed on her face, whatever it was she was saying, she was making sure it was right. The curiosity getting the better of him, Jim leans over and softly asks, “who are you writing to?”

Mac jumps and lets out a yelp when he breaks her concentration, having been so invested, she forgot where she was for a moment. She takes a few seconds to let her heart rate slow and brushes her hair out of her face before answering, “it’s no one, just writing home. You should get some sleep, we’ve got a long day ahead of us tomorrow.”

He isn’t convinced at her answer, there seemed to be some level of passion that she was writing with that made him believe she was doing more than just ‘writing home’. He believed that  _ was  _ what she was doing but it wasn’t her parents or her siblings that she was writing to, it had to be someone else. He had a hunch, Mac had mentioned being in a relationship before she moved to Atlanta that she still isn't over but that was all he knew. Would she really be writing whoever that person was?

Jim stares at her for a few seconds longer, “okay, but you should too. You’re the one who makes sure this ship runs smoothly and if you’re half awake and barley functioning it’s not gonna be a good look.”

Mac brushes him off, “I’ll be fine Jim, now you go on and get some rest. I’ll be done soon and I promise I’ll be fully functioning in the morning.”

Jim reluctantly agrees and turns back over on his twin sized bed and closes his eyes, trying to get some rest.

It’s several more minutes before Mac finishes writing her email to Will. It was a bit wordy, but she couldn’t help but get carried away. She went into detail for probably the millionth time about how she took responsibility for everything that happened. Cheating on him, ruining their relationship, breaking his heart. She even apologized for leaving things the way they did by leaving his apartment the morning after they slept together. Mac certainly didn’t regret that it happened, but she did feel some regret for not even waiting for him to wake up before she left. The other part of her letter detailed what was going on with her and how life as an embedded journalist was treating her. 

She wasn’t entirely sure why she was telling him all of this, why she sent emails almost everyday alongside voicemails before she left the country. Mac knew he didn’t care, and yet in some way, it gave her hope. Maybe, just maybe, he’d open one of her several emails, read one, and actually respond. Maybe.

She ends the email in the same way she ended every email,  _ All my love, Mackenzie _ . Perhaps it was stupid of her to end it with that every time, saying “all her love” like he even felt the same anymore.

Her thoughts start to spiral beyond that just seconds after she clicks ‘send’. Placing her laptop aside, Mac turns in her bed and her mind begins running off into a sprint carrying on from the last thought. He didn’t feel the same anymore did he? Of course he didn’t, she cheated on him for god's sake. It hadn’t actually hit her until this moment that Will didn’t love her anymore. He kicked her out, ignored everything she sent to him, and hell, he probably was ready to move on to someone else, someone who wouldn’t break his heart into a million tiny pieces. 

(Mac of course, underestimates just  _ how much  _ he loved her and still does)

The tears were back again as she laid on her left side, facing away from Jim. She was hoping he was asleep as tears continued to flow, unable to stop them. The tears only come to a stop when she finally wears herself out enough that she falls asleep.

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Will numbed himself for the rest of that evening. The thought of Mackenzie throwing herself into a war zone as a way of dealing with their break up made him sick to his stomach, it didn’t matter how mad he was at her. He still didn’t hate her, even though he wanted to. He wanted to hate her for putting his heart through a wood chipper then lighting the remains on fire, but he couldn’t. But he was mad, not a day went by where he wasn’t reminded of what she had done. Except, no matter how mad he was he could never be so mad that he’d wish anything bad would happen to her. Never, because underneath all of his anger and hurt was the love for her that never withered away. Even if he couldn’t admit that it was still there, it was.

He drank several more drinks that night, he was numbing his feelings in every way he could. It was a feeling he’d grown rather familiar with in the past few months, one that welcomed him with open arms. But, he tried hard most nights to not overdo it. He couldn’t be like his father, that was a promise he made himself when he was a young boy. 

So, to help numb the pain, he takes a leggy brunette home that night. He didn’t even bother to remember her name, she was just to temporarily fill the void Mackenzie left. Part of Will hated that she somewhat resembled Mac, but the other part found that helpful for temporary void-filling. 

Now he was sitting on the balcony of his apartment, smoking a cigarette while the woman, whatever her name was, slept in his bed. He couldn’t stop thinking about Mac. That was nothing new, except tonight was different, there were more thoughts about her than usual. It was like he couldn’t think about anything else if he tried. 

A war zone. A fucking war zone. Will couldn’t help but feel immensely guilty that she was there. God, he should’ve listened to her. He should’ve let her explain everything. If he would’ve, she wouldn’t be living everyday with the risk of losing her life hanging over her head. If something happened to her, he wouldn’t be able to forgive himself. In his mind, it didn’t matter that she was the one who cheated, him kicking her out was what sent her there. 

There’s a sudden break in his thoughts when a voice comes from behind him, “are you coming back to bed?” it was the voice of the woman he’d brought home. 

Will can’t help but be disappointed when it’s not Mac’s voice he hears. For a brief moment he wanted to think maybe this was all a bad dream, but it wasn’t. It was cold hard reality.

He takes another drag of his cigarette and blows out the smoke, “yeah, I’ll be in in a minute.”

Without another word the woman disappears back into his bedroom and Will sighs, hating where his life was at the current moment. 

Putting out the cigarette no more than a minute later, Will walks toward the sliding glass door and steps back into his room. He was ready to numb the pain and forget his feelings for a little while longer.

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“Can I ask you something?” Jim asks as he and Mac sit alone on the floor in the room they shared on the military base. Both had beer bottles in their hands and weren’t going very light on the alcohol. It’s been a stressful week, so they felt they deserved to unwind. It wasn’t like Mac had been light with alcohol as of lately anyway. 

Mac takes another sip of her beer and moves her player on the Monopoly board a few spaces. They were also playing board games as a way to pass the time rather than watching something they’d brought with them. They’d been playing Monopoly for the last hour and were still nowhere near done. Did anyone ever really _finish_ a game of Monopoly though?

“Shoot,” she answers as she pulls her hand away from the board and looks over at him. 

“You weren’t…” he hesitates for a moment, almost afraid to admit that he hadn’t been asleep last night while she cried. He heard her crying until she passed out. In fact, he knew she cried herself to sleep nearly every night and he still wasn’t entirely sure why, but he had a feeling it had to do with that ex boyfriend she briefly mentioned. “You weren’t, writing  _ home _ last night were you?”

A frown comes across her face at that as she watches the dice fall from his hand and land on the board, “I was writing home.”

Jim looks back up at her, “I mean… your family. You weren’t writing to your siblings or your parents… were you?”

Mac looks down at the floor for a couple moments, not wanting to make eye contact with him. She knew now that he must’ve heard her last night or figured out that it wasn’t  _ just _ her parents or siblings she was writing to.

“No,” she admits.

There’s silence for a little bit then Jim says, “Mac I’ve gotten to know you pretty well in the past few months that we’ve been working together. I’d say you’re my closest friend in the office. You can tell me if you want… it doesn’t have to be a secret.”

She wasn’t ready yet though, she didn’t want to tell him every detail of their breakup. It still hurt too much. She was also being selfish, she didn’t want her admitting to cheating on Will to change Jim’s opinion on her. She felt like he was the only person besides her family that she had at the moment.

However, she could give the smaller details and hope he wouldn’t pry. So that’s what she does. Mac lets out a sigh, “his name is Will. We dated for two years and it was…” she nearly chokes up as she says the next part, “very serious…” she holds back the tears and takes another sip of her beer, “our breakup was messy. He kicked me out and I ran to the furthest city I could find that had a job for me. Now here I am halfway around the world, hoping that’s far enough away.”

“Does he ever answer?”

“What?”

“You still write to him…” Jim points out. He wasn’t writing to any exes so he was curious if hers responded and that’s why she continued to write to him.

Mac stares down at the ground again, “no.”

The silence comes back again and this time it feels like a crushing weight on her. She feels stupid, she doesn’t have a good explanation as to why she bothers with Will. All she has is that she still loves him and getting over him would probably take a lifetime. 

The tears return and this time, she doesn’t stop them. They pool in her eyes and streak down her face and she sniffles as she quickly wipes them away. She went all the way to the Middle East to run from their breakup and in an attempt to forget about Will, but here she was in the little free time that she had crying over him. That was what most of her free time was spent doing if she wasn’t actually writing to her parents or siblings. And she hated herself for it.

Jim was quick to notice the tears, so he sets his beer bottle down and pushes aside the Monopoly game. “Mac…” he isn’t entirely sure if she’ll want a hug, but he wraps his arms around her anyway. He couldn’t leave her there crying and not comfort her in some way. 

Mac happily accepts the hug, because truth be told, she hadn’t been hugged since Will hugged her the night before she left for Atlanta. Jim’s hug wasn’t the same but it was still a hug and she found comfort in it and she was grateful he was her friend. 

When they break apart Mac wipes her eyes again and quietly thanks him. She was glad she was able to hold herself together, she didn’t want to become a sobbing mess in front of him.

“You okay?” 

She brushes a piece of hair behind her ear and nods, “yeah, yeah I’m fine. Don’t worry about me alright? You’ve already got enough to worry about being in a war zone and all,” she insists.

“You’re my friend, and my mentor, I’m gonna worry about you Mac,” Jim declares.

That brings a small smile to her face, “thank you.” Pulling the board game back over to being between them, she then grabs her beer, “why don’t we get back to me kicking your ass in Monopoly?”

“You were  _ not _ kicking my ass,” he protests. 

Mac chuckles, “oh I definitely was.” She grabs the dice, “now watch and learn from the pro.”

They end up playing Monopoly well into the night and carry on conversations that were less depressing. And for just a couple hours, Mac is able to forget about the heavy weight that’s been sitting on her chest even since she left New York.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think you all probably have an idea of what’s coming next. I’m happy to say this is the last chapter that Will & Mac will be apart. But, let’s just say getting back together officially won’t be simple.
> 
> As always, feel free to leave any thoughts you have or simply just a kudos if you haven’t already left one. See you guys soon with chapter 7 ❤️


	7. And You Know I Love You Still

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She nods and looks down at the iv stuck in her arm then sighs as she’s reminded of the pain that was still lingering, “what the hell happened?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This may or may not be the longest thing I’ve written? I hope you guys like longer chapters.
> 
> Enjoy! ❤️

Mackenzie’s eyes flutter open and confusion is the first thing she feels as she stares up at a white ceiling and her brain registers the sound of what seemed to be a monitor beeping every second and a television playing the news in the background. It takes not even a second longer for her pain to settle in making her wince. It wasn’t nearly as bad as the pain had been before she passed out and that was thanks to the morphine. 

Bringing her hands to her eyes, she rubs them in an attempt to wake herself up some more. Now the exhaustion was settling in. Her body had been through hell and back the past few days and it would take awhile for the utter exhaustion to go back down to only mild exhaustion. It wasn’t like she slept much anyway, and when she did it was only for a few hours at a time. 

Her vision blurs for a second as she pulls her hands away but it readjusts and Mac finally calls out, “Jim?” 

Her voice was almost foreign to her. It wasn’t completely altered by any means but it was hoarse and weak, so it took her by surprise. She still didn’t have a fucking clue what had happened or why her abdomen was faint with pain. The last thing she remembered was that she and Jim were covering a protest in Islamabad, the protest turned violent, and then she’d been in excruciating pain before everything went black.

She hears what sounds like Jim scurrying out of his chair and that’s confirmed when he comes into her eye line, worry mixed with relief written across his face. “Mac,” he sounded relieved too, “you’re awake.”

Jim had heard from the doctors that Mac was going to be okay, that she’d get through this but after watching her drift in and out of consciousness over the past few days, he couldn’t help but worry. Watching one of his closest friends get stabbed by a protestor and nearly die was one of the worst things he’s ever had to witness, so seeing her awake was more than a relief. 

He helps her as she insists on sitting up, not liking only hearing the world go on around her as she stared at the ceiling. She winces in pain as he helps her, but eventually she was sitting up and finally able to see the hospital room she was in.

Mac glances at the television first and realizes that the anchor was speaking in German, that at least told her where she was. She was no longer in Islamabad. “You like your news in German?” she remarks, voice still weak.

Jim glances back at the television then to her again and shrugs, “it was just background noise… the heart monitor being the only thing I was listening to became deafening really quickly.”

She nods and looks down at the iv stuck in her arm then sighs as she’s reminded of the pain that was still lingering, “what the hell happened?”

“Do you remember anything?”

“We were in Islamabad covering a protest, it turned violent quickly, then I was in some of the worst physical pain I’ve ever felt in my entire life, and now I’m here in Germany I presume in a hospital.”

Jim nods and pulls up the seat he’d been sitting in and takes his seat once more, ready to explain to her in detail what had happened.

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_ Mac didn’t even register when it happened, she never saw the person who ran up and stabbed her. It could’ve been a man, could’ve been a woman, could’ve been anyone. She didn’t have a clue. She didn’t see a single identifying feature. Hell, she didn’t even see the knife. The only thing she could see was the protest still happening around her and what seemed to be a shocked look on Jim’s face, but she wasn’t sure because her vision was beginning to blur. She could still hear the shouting and screaming going on around her but that was starting to fade as a ringing filled her ears. _

_ Mac held onto her abdomen as it gushed blood quicker than she would’ve ever imagined. Her knees gave out just after and she was to the ground in seconds, lucky that she didn’t hit her head on the pavement below. Her eyes were still open and the world hadn’t quite turned to black yet, but it was still blurry and now everything was spinning.  _

_ Jim was at her side in what felt like minutes to her, but was actually mere seconds. He was still in shock, but his instinct was to be at her side. He was shouting for a medic or for someone in the crew to call anyone they could. She was losing a lot of blood and it was starting to stain his hands and clothes as he kneeled down beside her and held one of her hands.  _

_ The other hand was brushing hair from her forehead as he reassured her, “everything’s going to be okay Mac, we’re going to get you help I promise.” His voice was shaky as he spoke but he held himself together for her. He then shifts to the people around him and continues shouting for help. Thankfully it seemed that he was finally being listened to because he could see others from their crew rushing over with a medic. _

_ Her eyes had filled with tears and she could barely make Jim out through the blurriness, “Jim…” she trails off. There was only one thing on her mind the entire time she laid on the pavement. Besides the pain, besides the fact that she was seconds away from slipping into unconsciousness, she was thinking about Will. God, Will. _

_ The last time they talked to each other was over how she was leaving for Atlanta. She didn’t even get a chance to apologize to his face and now she wasn’t sure she was going to be able to. The last image of him she had painted in her mind was of him sleeping, not knowing that he was never going to see her again. Mac couldn't stop going back to when he yelled at her to get out of his apartment either and how he probably hated her now. She’d never get the chance to fix that.  _

_ Jim hadn’t heard her the first time, he was too busy focusing on getting her help so she could be airlifted to a hospital before she lost too much blood. But, he hears the second time she calls out, “Jim…” weakly. _

_ His attention was immediately on her again and he reassured her, “you’re going to be okay.” He hadn’t realized the tears in his eyes until they streamed down his cheeks and he wipes them away instantly, but uses the hand covered in blood without thinking and accidentally smears it on his face. _

_ “I need you… to tell Will that I’m sorry… and that I love him,” she manages the strength to utter before she passes out.  _

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It was mid-afternoon when Will received the call. He just came from a rundown meeting and was settling in his office when his phone rang. It was a number he didn’t recognize, but given that he wasn’t one to save everyone’s number, he thought maybe it could be one of his colleagues calling up for advice or something. He didn’t know. Hell, maybe someone wanted to do an interview. 

“Hello?” 

“H-hi, is this Will McAvoy?”

“Speaking, can I ask who’s calling?”

“My name’s Jim Harper, you don’t know me. I work with CNN in Atlanta… with Mackenzie.”

His heart leapt to his throat and nearly out of his body hearing her name. Will knew it in his gut that something was wrong, why else would one of her co-workers be calling him if something hadn’t happened?

“Go on…” he manages to spit out, instantly feeling like he needs to light up a cigarette.

“She uh, ahem,” Jim pauses for a moment, “she was stabbed while we were covering a protest in Islamabad. It was bad… the doctors didn’t think she was going to make it, but she’s in recovery right now. She’s at Landstuhl in Germany… I can’t tell you what to do but I do know she wants you here.” Jim considered telling him about what Mac told him to say before she passed out, but he decided against it. Only because he knew she was in recovery and deserved to tell him that herself.

There weren’t words to describe what Will was feeling at that moment. Shock, pain, anger, sadness. He went through half of his emotions in one sitting. He didn’t even know what to say in response, he was at a loss. 

“Will?” Jim’s voice breaks the silence that had gone on for well over a minute now. 

“Yeah… Jack-”

“Jim.”

“Jim, thank you for calling and letting me know…” That was all he could muster before hanging up. Not, he’ll be on the next plane, not tell her he hopes she’s feeling okay given the circumstances, just a thank you for telling him. That was a shitty response and he knew it, but words were still failing him. 

And then Will was on his feet and out of his office, heading for the elevators as quickly as his legs could take him. He nearly tackles one of the interns on his way out and he thinks he mutters an apology, but he’s not sure. All he can think about is getting up to Charlie’s office and telling him he needs to use his vacation days for the next few days, or maybe even a week he wasn’t sure. 

It was like he had blacked out from the minute he hung up to the minute he left Charlie’s office. Will even questioned if going was a good idea and Charlie was quick to tell him he’d be an idiot not to go. That while he (Charlie), didn’t know Mackenzie all that well, from what he understands, she was the love of Will’s life and it’d would be stupid for him not to go. 

Then he was suddenly at the airport, tapping his foot in anticipation as he waited to board the flight that Charlie had booked for him the second he heard Will needed to leave. He didn’t know what it was he did to deserve a friend like Charlie, but he was grateful. 

He didn’t sleep for even a minute on the entire 12 hour flight from Manhattan to Frankfurt, it wasn’t like he could even if he wanted to. All he could think about was Mackenzie.  _ The doctors didn’t think she was going to make it _ replayed in his mind like it was on a broken record. She almost died. He would’ve never forgiven himself if she had, he blamed himself for putting her in a war stricken region. Will wasn’t sure he’d ever come to a point where he didn’t blame himself. That wasn’t even the half of it, he blamed himself and he couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that he almost lost her. The person he cared for more than anyone he’d ever cared about was almost taken away. 

Somewhere among his cluster of thoughts, Will decides to do something he should’ve done a lot sooner. Reaching into his pocket, he pulls out his Blackberry and opens up his emails. It takes him just a couple of seconds to find the last email from her. 

He isn’t sure how long it takes, but he goes through and reads each and every single email she’s sent him. Alongside that he also listens to each of her voicemails. He feels guilty during his listening and reading, guilty that he didn’t do this sooner. But it was better late than never he supposed. As he’s reading, he begins to feel the anger that had subsided due to the panic and desperation to get to Germany as fast as he could start to fade away. He wasn’t thinking about her with Brian any longer, he was thinking about how badly he wanted to hold her in his arms and tell her that he loves her and he’s sorry for not listening. God, he should’ve listened. 

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Mac throws up after eating her first solid meal she’s had in days. She throws up another time from how nauseous the pain makes her when the morphine wears off. She feels awful that Jim has to see all of this, that he’s subjecting himself to it. She insists several times that he leave and to a hotel or something, that she was a big girl and didn’t need him there to look after her. Jim refuses, telling her that he can’t just leave her alone, he wouldn’t be able to sleep not knowing she was okay. That makes her smile and it warms her heart, but she can’t help but feel a little coddled. 

That only increases when her parents show up later that same day. She adored her parents, they did everything for her, but having them insist on doing everything like she was a little girl again was only sweet to an extent. She snapped at her father when he offered to feed her the soup one of the nurses brought, insisting she wasn’t paralyzed and could take care of herself. It was quickly followed by an apology, and they were understanding. She’d been in the hospital for several days now and in recovery from a near death experience, they couldn’t be anything but understanding. 

Having her parents there to fetch a cup of water or help her maneuver around bed was nice, but Mac couldn’t help but be relieved when they finally left for their hotel for the evening. She was suddenly glad that it was just her and Jim again and she realized maybe she didn’t mind having his company. At least she had someone to talk to, at least she wasn’t alone. 

“Jim,” Mac says as she slightly adjusts herself to look over at him.

“Yeah? Do you need something? Cause I can call in the nurses or go get you whatever you need,” he insists.

Shaking her head she says, “did you…” she pauses, afraid to know the answer, “call Will?” 

Jim’s heart breaks when he looks into her somewhat hopeful eyes, Will hadn’t come and maybe she was thinking that he was on the way and not still in Manhattan, ignoring that she almost died. He doesn't want to tell her the truth and be the one to break her heart, but lying to her felt just as bad, “yeah…”

It could be seen in her eyes that the answer had crushed her. She was trying to not make it obvious by not letting her expression falter, but Jim could see the heartbreak. He’d seen her like that so many times that he was nearly convinced that was her normal look. 

“Oh,” she clears her throat and readjusts herself to look back at the wall across from her bed. It shouldn’t come as a surprise to her, why would he want to see her after everything she put him through? He wouldn’t even answer a single one of her emails so why did she have any hope he’d come walking through the doorway of her hospital room? 

The pain in her chest isn’t unfamiliar to her and yet it still hurts just as much as it always did. It nearly hurt to the same degree to the physical pain she was feeling, nothing was as painful as remembering that the only person she’d ever loved didn’t feel the same anymore.

“Mac…” Jim wanted to try and comfort her, tell her that she deserved better than being treated like this. 

She sniffles, holding in the tears that were desperately trying to run down her cheeks, “I’m fine Jim, I just…” she turns herself away from him because she really hates crying in front of him over Will. “I need to be left alone okay?”

So that’s what he does, he settles back into his chair and pushes it further away from her hospital bed. He doesn’t want to leave the room completely, he isn’t even sure where he’d go, so he just stays quiet and let’s her be alone with her thoughts. 

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Will’s plane doesn’t land until 3am and he doesn’t even make it to his hotel until 4am. He still hasn’t slept, and isn’t sure he’s going to. He planned on going over to Landstuhl as soon as he could and he still didn’t have a clue what he was going to say to her. He wasn’t even sure he was ready to see her. He was, but he was nervous about it. Seeing Mac in a hospital room, weak and pale, hooked up to an iv, full of exhaustion, handling seeing her like that was going to be a lot.

He was going to do it anyway of course, he hadn’t spent the last near fourteen hours traveling to Germany to not see her. He was desperate to and if it wasn’t the early hours of the morning he’d be over there and by her side right now. But he had to play the cruel game of waiting, and he knew these next few hours weren’t going to pass quickly. 

When the clock finally hit 7am, Will felt relief wash through him, visiting hours had just started. The relief was that he no longer had to wait to see Mac however that was quickly followed by his nerves. He was sitting in the back of a cab waiting to get to Landstuhl, fidgeting and shifting every so often as he thought about what he was going to say. Truth be told, he didn’t have a clue. All he did know was that he needed to be there and show her that he didn’t hate her and he  _ did _ care. Even if it took him about three years to admit to himself that he did. 

And just like when he went from his office, to Charlie’s, to getting on the plane, time seemed to have disappeared like he blacked out. He went from sitting in the back of the cab to standing outside of room 215, her hospital room. It was all really starting to sink in, she was in a hospital because she was stabbed and almost died. He was hesitant to go in, not because he didn’t want to see her, but because he wasn’t sure how he would keep himself together seeing her in this state. 

Mac was sitting up in bed, eyes focused on her laptop when she heard a knock on the door. She keeps her eyes focused on the screen in front of her as she answers, “come in!” in a soft, yet weak voice. Assuming it was maybe one of her siblings who flew over from England, she places her laptop aside before they walk in so that she can at least try to give her full attention. But, truth be told, given how exhausted she was, it was hard to give her full attention these days. 

The door creaks open as she’s shifting to set her laptop aside and she holds in a few winces as she turns back, trying to not show just how much pain she was in to everyone.

When her eyes finally land on the figure standing in the doorway, nearly all of the wind was knocked out of her. Will was standing there near the door and it seemed he was afraid to walk in any further like he needed to be invited as if he wasn’t already. 

God was she hallucinating? It was early in the morning and usually she wouldn’t be awake at this hour, but her sleeping schedule had been so messed up in the past few days that she was sleeping most of her evenings away and then staying up through the night. It wasn’t like her sleeping schedule wasn’t fucked before all of this happened, but it certainly didn’t help.

“Billy…” she finally lets out, still utterly speechless. 

Hearing his nickname nearly knocks the wind out of him too, that combined with seeing her for the first time in three years. Will was instantly saddened when he saw how she looked. She was paler, thinner, and she looked exhausted beyond the meaning of the word. He hated seeing her like this and yet she was still the most beautiful woman he’s ever laid his eyes on.

“I, um, I wasn’t sure if you’d be awake. You always got up before me but never before eight…” he doesn’t know what he’s saying, doesn’t know what the hell  _ to  _ say.

“You’re here,” is all she can say back and it’s clear that they’ve lost their footing when it comes to having a conversation, but then again neither thought they’d see the other again. This wasn’t a movie either, it wasn’t like he was going to tell her he loved her in the first second he saw her, that their reunion would be perfect. It was awkward, but they were here and there was no turning back now. 

Will nods, “Tim… called me-”

She frowns and corrects him, “Jim.”

“Right… Jim called me and told me what happened and the next thing I knew I was on a plane to Germany.”

Mac can feel the rapid heartbeat in her chest begin to slow as he says that and it starts to fill with warmth. Hearing he hopped on a plane as soon as he heard what happened meant more to her than she could begin to explain. He wasn’t sitting ignoring her, he was standing in the doorway of her hospital room and hopefully he was going to stay for a little while. 

“I’m glad you came…” she gives him a small smile, “you can come in and sit if you’d like.” She was suddenly very relieved that she sent Jim away to get breakfast, being alone with Will right now was the only thing she wanted.

Will finally steps into the room and pulls up one of the empty chairs right near her bed, “how are you-” he stops himself midsetence as he realizes how stupid his question. How was she feeling? She was stabbed and nearly died, she certainly wasn’t feeling all sunshine and rainbows.

She can’t help but give him a smile, she didn’t care that it was a stupid question, she cared that he bothered to ask at all. That he cared about how she was doing. Just a mere five minutes ago she still believed he hated her, but that was starting to fade.

“Oh you know, never better. I was thinking about doing cartwheels out of here to show them how strong I am,” Mac can’t help but jab at him though as a way to break the tension.

He chuckles at that, “sorry, it was a stupid question.”

Shaking her head, Mac shifts a little and holds back a wince as she does, “no it’s fine. I’m alright, the doctors tell me it's going to leave a nice scar on my abdomen, but I’ll just take it as a reminder that I made it out.”

Her saying that hits Will right in the chest and he tries to hide his reaction, but finds it hard because he knows she can read him like a book. Take it as a reminder that she made it out. In one sense, he was proud of her for how strong she was and how she didn’t let this take her down, but in the other he was reminded of the guilt that was temporarily put aside until now. He was the reason she was here, and now seeing her and hearing she’d be left with a scar made it all real.

“Mackenzie… I’m so sorry,” he says in a softer tone as his eyes shift to the floor. He couldn’t look at her and that was mostly because he knew the tears would spill before he could stop them. They were already pricking at his eyes and he was desperately trying to hold them in.

Mac on the other hand, had a completely different expression written across her face. One he couldn’t see, confusion. She frowns and knits her eyebrows together, “sorry? Sorry for what?” She knew he wasn’t saying “sorry you got stabbed” it sounded like he was saying sorry like he was the one who did it. 

He’s quiet for a couple seconds, but he finally spits out, “I’m sorry that I put you in this mess. That you felt like the only way to get away from me or get away from what you were feeling was to go to the Middle East and get shot at in every direction, wondering if you’re going to make it out of there.”

“Hey,” thankfully Will was sitting close enough for her to lean over carefully and take hold of his hand and although she winces in the process, she still takes it and gives it a squeeze. “Look at me,” she insists in a gentle tone, sounding so much like they were still together and she was comforting him in a sad situation. He doesn’t look up right away, because he still doesn’t want the tears to spill out in front of her, as if he hadn’t cried in front of her before. “Billy,” she squeezes his hand, wishing she could reach out and tilt his chin up herself, “please look at me.”

So, he finally does and his eyes are glistening with tears, still trying desperately to keep them at bay. Mac’s heart breaks when she looks at him, how long had he been thinking this? What would it take to convince him that none of this was his fault and never would be? She never realized how much this affected him and how much he blamed himself. “None of this is your fault okay? None of it.”

“You almost died…” he mutters and he can hear that his voice is close to cracking.

She squeezes his hand again, this time a little harder, “but I’m still here and I promise I’m not going anywhere.”

Will feels some of his heartache wash away, but not all of it. Her words did reassure him though and he was nearly about to get up and kiss her, tell her that he forgave her, but it’s right at that moment that Jim walks in, paying no attention. 

“Hey Mac, I got you a muffin and some water. I don’t know if you’ll be able to stomach the muffin though, so you may want to eat it slow,” he says as he walks in. 

_ Damn it, Jim.  _ She curses him in her head because she knew what Will was about to do and the moment she’d been waiting for for three years had been interrupted. But she turns anyway and gives him a smile, “thank you, Jim.”

Jim looks between Will and Mac and realizes he’s definitely walked in on something, especially given that Will hadn’t been here when he left. “Oh, sorry I totally just interrupted you guys didn’t I?”

Mac tries to brush it off, only because she doesn’t want to have to kick Jim out, “no, no it’s fine. Jim, this is Will,” she gestures to Will as she says that. “And Will, this is Jim.”

“The one and only anchor of News Night, I’m a fan of the show,” Jim says with a smile as he reaches out to shake Will’s hand. Jim tried to be as convincing as possible, but he knew he probably failed. News Night wasn’t awful but Jim had seen how much of a Jay Leno type Will was. 

“Ah, well thank you. It’s nice to meet you, Jim,” Will says in returns, pretending not to notice how obvious Jim was being.

“You too” Jim steps back from Mac’s bed after setting down her breakfast on the tray next to her. “Well I should get out of your guys’ way, I can go roam around for a little while.”

“Oh no, Jim, you don’t have to do that,” Mac insists, still feeling bad about the idea of kicking Jim out when he’d done so much for her.

Will was a bit saddened by her insistence, did she really not want to talk to him that badly? Their conversation was a bit awkward, but they finally were getting somewhere right before Jim interrupted. Maybe he was looking too much into it. 

“No, no, it’s fine you guys take all the time you need, just send me a message if you want me back,” Jim insists back, knowing that she’s waited too long for this moment to have it be interrupted by him.

Mac was just about to reply when another knock comes at the door, “Mac?” it was a familiar voice and then Will realizes that it was her younger sister, Penny, who’d just arrived at her room.

“Pen, hi,” she says with a smile, not having expected her sister to be here, but then again it wasn’t much of a flight to get here from Manchester. “Come in.”

And Will suddenly feels like he’s the last person who should be in the room, like an uninvited guest. He did come unannounced he supposed. Now he was thinking he should just come back at a later time, when hopefully everyone who wants to see Mac will have made their way through already.

So after Penny walks in and says her hello and hugs Mac carefully, telling her she’s so glad she’s doing well, Will stands up and walks right to Mac’s side. He explains to her that he’d be back later, that he needed to check in with work. She was adamant that he stay, but after some convincing she finally tells him okay, even though it’s with her sad doe eyes and a frown. God he hates that face, because it makes him want to kiss it away and bring back her bright smile.

With that, Will finally makes his way out of the somewhat crowded hospital room, saying hello to Penny on the way out. He really hoped that when he came back later, they could finally be alone. He was desperate to see where things would lead now that they’ve mostly jumped over the awkward hurdle.

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Mac tries to wait around for Will to return, but by the time four in the evening hits, she’s completely out of it. It was a good thing he didn’t come by in the afternoon though, because after Penny left, her brother, Oliver and his wife Sheila had stopped by to see her for a little while. That was closely followed by her parents who stayed up until about thirty minutes before Mac fell asleep. It was one after the other today and she knew the universe was getting a laugh by making today of all days the day that Will decides to come see her along with half of her family. Making it so that they never get the chance to be alone and chat. 

Will shows up around 4:15, finally. He’d actually come by in the afternoon, but when he saw her family he just knew there was no way they’d get a chance to talk. Plus, he wasn’t entirely sure he wanted to show his face around them yet. He didn’t exactly know how they felt about him after what happened between him and Mackenzie and being that their breakup was why she ended up in the Middle East to begin with. 

As Will opens the door to her hospital room, he notices that Jim wasn’t there and it was thankfully just Mackenzie. However, he notices that she was fast asleep and he holds off on letting out a sigh because he can’t begin to imagine just how tired she is. 

Instead of leaving, Will steps into the room and makes his way over to her bed. Upon reaching her, he takes her hand into his own and brushes her hair out of her face, lightly grazing his calloused fingers across her forehead.

He watches her sleep for a few more seconds and it reminds him of the many times he’s done this before when she’d fall asleep in his lap or in his arms. How she always looked at peace and how it made him feel like he could just wrap her up in a blanket and hold her there with him for the rest of time. Will squeezes her hand as he decides to leave, they’d try again tomorrow and hopefully this time they’d get their timing right. 

As he’s just about to step away and their hands are mere seconds from drifting apart, he feels her grab hold of his again and squeeze it tightly. That causes him to turn back, because he thought she was still asleep. He’s proven wrong when he turns and sees her eyes open, exhaustion painted on her face but still awake, and she whispers, “please don’t go.” There was a pleading in her voice that was different than if she’d said this under any other circumstance. It wasn’t  _ please don’t go _ because I’ll miss the comfort of having you by my side, it’s  _ please don’t go _ because I’ve lost you once and I can’t handle losing you again. 

It breaks Will’s heart all over again to hear the pleading, because he hates that they were ever apart in the first place. So he steps closer to the bed and whispers back, “I’m not going anywhere, I promise.”

She knows it’s true, she knew that something had shifted with him and they still hadn’t had that conversation yet, but things seemed like they were finally getting back on track. Mac slowly and carefully shifts in bed and she moves over toward the other side of it, leaving as much empty space as she can. She then tugs on his hand and looks up at him with pleading eyes, “please.”

The only reason Will is hesitant is because he doesn’t want to get in with her and accidentally hurt her in some way or halt her healing process. His eyes scan the bed before they scan her face, “you sure?”

She gently bites down on her bottom lip then nods, giving his hand a squeeze, “I’m fine,” she insists.

So, Will agrees and he slowly but surely slips on to the hospital bed with her and is as careful and gentle as he can be as he slides both of his arms around her without even giving it a second thought. “If it starts hurting or anything at all  _ please _ let me know,” he insists. 

Mac can feel her heart swelling in her chest, god she nearly forgot how sweet he was. She gives him a small smile, “I will, but don’t worry too much alright? I’m okay.”

He nods, and holds her tight, but not as tight as he wanted since he was still afraid of hurting her somehow. 

It was a little while later that Mac finally spoke again, the two having not really shared a word since he slipped into bed with her. She was starting to drift again, but not before she says, “Billy… I just wanted to say that I’m so-”

Somehow he knows what she’s going to say before she does and he cuts her off, “I know. We don’t have to talk about that right now okay? Get some rest,” he whispers in return and presses a kiss to the side of her head.

Mac nods and lets a long sigh of relief fall from her lips, feeling safer than she has in weeks, hell, years. Her eyes fall closed moments after and Will lays there with her for the entire night, holding her and quietly thanking Jim for calling him. There was nowhere else he wanted to be right now than right here holding the woman he took three years to realize he’s never stopped loving. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew that was a bit of a whirlwind. So they’re back together for the most part but I’ve still got a couple more chapters up my sleeve to really round off their story. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter and as always feel free to leave any thoughts or just a kudos if you haven’t already.
> 
> See you soon with chapter eight ❤️


	8. Love Me Today (And Everyday After)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything had been going well, he showed up at the hospital and stayed with her up until she got released two days later. They, along with Jim, caught a flight back to Atlanta because there was no way she was going back to Islamabad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, after some thinking, I decided that it would be best to end the story here with one final chapter instead of two. Everything I wanted to include to round off this story all fit into one chapter, and with the holidays right around the corner I figured I’d finish up now.
> 
> That being said, this is another somewhat long one.
> 
> Enjoy ❤️

There were some days where Mackenzie could not for the life of her understand Will. She could read him like a book, she knew his thoughts, his feelings, she knew when he was lying, all of it. But, today was one of those days where she couldn’t understand what the hell was going on inside that brain of his and truth be told, it was infuriating.

Everything had been going well, he showed up at the hospital and stayed with her up until she got released two days later. They, along with Jim, caught a flight back to Atlanta because there was no way she was going back to Islamabad. Nor did she even think she had a job anymore due to budget cuts. So, Will offered to help her pack up her things and insisted that she come back to New York. 

That’s exactly what they did. Once they landed in Atlanta and still had way too many daylight hours to kill, they got right to it and Jim even offered to help. Mac was lucky that her lease was up and she didn’t even have to worry about that anymore. She was getting out of this apartment and going back to New York, where she felt she really belonged. 

Things began to get heated between her and Will earlier in the day while they were packing, because he was starting to confuse the hell out of her. She was getting mixed signals from him. One minute, she thought they were back together, the next she thought maybe he was only doing this out of some obligation and a way of ridding himself of the guilt he felt over her going to the Middle East. 

In the hospital, he’d been so caring and gentle, acting as if they were together again. Even when they were traveling for practically an entire day, he acted as if he was her boyfriend. For instance, letting her rest her head on his shoulder so she could sleep during their flight, because he knew she hated flying and sleeping was a way to pretend like she wasn’t on a plane. Besides, she had taken some sleep medication before they boarded so that she’d be out the whole time. Her head on his shoulder eventually turned into her resting her head in his lap while he stroked his fingers through her hair until she eventually fell asleep. She’d been happy during those moments, like they’d finally found their footing again and she’d no longer have to cry herself to sleep over how much she missed him. 

The mixed signals had been there during their trip home and somewhat while she was in the hospital too, but she had told herself it was nothing. They became more noticeable whenever they got to Atlanta and he wouldn’t hold her hand, nor did he initiate anything. Maybe she was overthinking it. 

But, truth be told, it scared the shit out of her. The thought that maybe he changed his mind crossed her own so many times and it finally got to a point where she couldn’t take it any longer. So, Mac snapped at him which only spiraled into them shouting at each other while they were trying to pack. Of course, Jim had to be there, which now looking back on it Mac realized was less than ideal. She already had a feeling Jim didn’t like Will. It wasn’t like she could completely blame him though, he only knew the side of Will that was hurt by her and hurt her in return. That wasn’t the  _ real _ Will and she wasn’t sure when exactly Jim would see that side of him.

Mac sighs as she packs away her things in her room, the door closed and locked so that Will couldn’t bother her for the time being. She really just needed the space to think and not deal with him for a little while. So to keep her mind occupied, she continues packing away her clothes. 

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After their fight had come to an end by Mac going off to her room, insisting that he not follow, Will stood silently in the living room for at least a minute. Jim was still standing there too across the room, quietly trying to act like he hadn’t had a front row seat to their fight. The air between them had become awkward fast and Will finally spat out an apology, telling him that they weren’t ones to fight in front of friends or any guests. Jim tried to brush it off, but Will could tell he wasn’t too pleased with any of this. 

His apology to Jim was quickly followed by him explaining that they were probably done packing for the night and that leaving was probably the best choice. So, Jim quietly left and only said he'd be willing to help finish tomorrow if it was needed. Will thanked him and finally closed the door to her apartment before walking back into her living room, trying to figure out what to do.

He stood there for several minutes before deciding to respect her wishes and let her be alone for a little while, but that wasn’t going to stop him from eventually showing up at her bedroom door to apologize.

Which happened to be what he was doing at the exact moment. He’d given it an hour until he decided to finally show up at her door. It was harder than he expected it to be, but he figured if she wanted to space then he’d give her more than five minutes or half an hour.

Knocking on her door gently, Will says, “Mackenzie… can we talk about this?”

No answer comes from her, but he can still hear movement which he assumed was packing so he tries again. He gives the same question, but to no avail. So, instead of persisting and forcing her to come out, he decides he’ll wait. Rather than waiting out in the living room or anywhere else, Will decides to sit against the wall opposite to her door. He knows it’s ridiculous, but it was better than forcing her out of her room when she isn't ready. Hell, he prepared to sleep on her floor and wait until morning if that’s how long she needs. 

It takes Mac all of ten minutes to finally cave and when she opens the door, she’s surprised by Will sitting against the wall across from her. She frowns, “you’re an idiot, I could’ve never come out and you could’ve been sitting there all night,” she insists. 

Will shrugs, “I might be an idiot, but you know I would’ve done it anyway.”

A sigh falls from her lips and she bites down her bottom lip as she takes another look at him sitting there. She desperately tries to ignore the fact that her heart was swelling twice its size and her chest was filling with warmth. She wants to be mad at him, but it’s so hard especially after everything they’ve been through and how badly she wants to make things between them work.

“Come here,” she says after only another minute of staring down at him, unable to take it any longer.

Will stands, grunting and grumbling in the process from the pain in his knee and his other worn out joints. He takes a step forward, expecting to follow her into her bedroom so they can sit and talk, but instead of that, Mac quickly grabs him and brings him in for a hug. 

He raises his brows as she throws her arms around him in a hug so tight he almost considers saying he couldn’t breathe. His arms don’t encircle around her until just a moment after, but when they do, he hugs her almost just as tight. Even though he’s held her since they’ve come back into each other’s lives, Will remembers in the moment how much he missed holding her like this. They had three years to make up for.

The two stay that way for awhile, neither saying a word, but eventually Will offers an apology, “I was stupid for not making it clear how I felt and for sending you mixed signals, I’m sorry.”

Mac nods, “you were stupid, but it’s okay. We still haven’t had a conversation about everything and where we stand so I can’t completely hold it against you, but,” she begins to pull away as she continues, “I’m still a little bit mad at you.” Mac grabs his hand and leads him toward her bed as she finishes, still wanting to have him there despite still being somewhat mad at him. 

He was just about to join her in bed, when he realizes he’s still in his jeans and those certainly weren’t comfortable enough to cuddle in. “Oh hang on,” he insists and sprints out of the room to retrieve his bag, ignoring the pain surging in his knee.

It wasn’t even five whole minutes later when Will returns in his sweatpants and a grey t-shirt and his bag over his shoulder. Placing the bag aside, he slides into bed and fails to notice that Mac wasn’t even there herself. 

It takes him less than a minute to deduce she was definitely in the bathroom getting changed herself and rather than waiting for her, he slides back out of bed and walks to the bathroom door. Giving a light knock at the open door, he opens his mouth to say something, but it falls closed as he watches from afar while Mac stands in the mirror looking at herself. 

This was the first time she had an actual look at her body with little to no clothing since her accident. She hated how she looked, if she was being honest. She was thinner and most people would celebrate that, but Mac always thought her previous weight was a healthy one. She’d been body conscious before, but never truly spent time trying to lose any weight, because she felt fairly confident in her own skin.

She was older too. As far as Mac was concerned, she had aged five years from the accident alone. The fine lines on her forehead were making themselves more known, her smile lines were deeper as well. This was one thing she was trying not to let bother her. Age was something she could battle with, given that women were always expected to look young because young represented beauty. However, she tried to not let it get to her. Age didn’t necessarily matter to her. Hell, she was with a man who she often teased for being old, so it was one of those things she tried not to give too much thought. In the moment though, she couldn’t help but add it to the list of things that were making her less beautiful.

There was one more thing that stuck out to her and was different about her body, the three inch wound that was most likely going to leave a permanent scar on her abdomen. There was a chance it would fade over the years, but she had a feeling it was here to stay for a while. Currently, the wound was still healing and her stitches were covered with a bandage so she couldn’t see it yet. Either way, Mac still wondered if it somehow was on the list of things that made her less beautiful. It was another impurity after all. 

It takes her longer than she meant to to realize that Will was standing in the doorway. And she very quickly realizes that she was only in her bra and panties. It wasn’t like he hadn’t seen her naked a million times before, but in this moment she cant help but want to cover up her body. So, she does. Mac wraps her arms around her torso as she sees him and quickly turns, “Sorry… I… I didn’t even realize you were standing there. Just give me a second and I’ll meet you in bed.”

Will is tempted to just say okay and leave her be, let her deal with this all on her own, but he knows better than that. He learned during their relationship that there were some things he needed to leave her alone on, but in most instances she valued his comfort. 

So instead of listening to her and leaving the room, he walks further in and over to where she was standing. She had just grabbed hold of her tank top, when he takes it from her hands and places it back down on the bathroom counter. He grabs hold of her hands and looks down at her, but she was already averting her eyes and looking down at the floor.

“Mac…”

Instead of letting him hold onto her hands, she pulls them away and covers herself again, hating the thought of him taking one look at her body and thinking she wasn’t beautiful anymore. 

“I… I don’t want you to look at me. I look awful,” she insists and then pushes by him to grab her clothes again.

“Mackenzie,” Will watches as she quickly throws on her tank top followed by her pajama pants.

“I know that I don’t look the same way I did three years ago,” she explains and walks past him again, heading for the door. “I know I look awful.”

Will was glad he could be quick on his feet sometimes because before she can get too far, he grabs her hand and pulls her back over to him. “Hey… come on, that’s not true.”

She glares at him, annoyed that he would either have the audacity to lie or the audacity to not open his eyes. “Will…”

“Mac,” he pushes back, “yeah, okay, so you don’t look the same way you did three years ago. Neither do I. I’ve gained weight in the past three years and the alcohol I have regularly certainly hasn’t helped. I don’t expect you to look like you did three years ago, no one looks like they did then. That doesn’t mean I don’t think you’re beautiful anymore, because I certainly do. You’re the most attractive woman I’ve ever seen in real life and I will stand by that statement until the day I die.”

Mac stares at him, still not fully convinced, “I’ve lost a lot of weight, I’ve aged, I-I’ve-”

He cuts her off before she can go any further, taking her other hand back into his, “first off, the weight loss? Not your fault. You were an embedded journalist in different war stricken countries, eating what you could when you could. Not to mention, you nearly died and throwing up along with not eating for days so that’s not your fault either. You’ve aged, but so have I. I don’t buy into the bullshit idea that age has anything to do with beauty. When you hit 70 I’ll still find you beautiful, I’m always going to find you beautiful. And you know what? I didn’t fall in love with you for your looks, those are just a bonus. So if you think that just because your looks have changed a little means I’m going to love you any less, then you’re dead wrong and that’s just the truth.”

It seems that the only thing she takes from that is the last part, because it hits her like a ton of bricks in the best way possible. Of course, Mac had a feeling he still loved her because he wouldn’t have shown up at the hospital nor would he be standing here, but they hadn’t said it to each other yet. “You love me?” she squeaks out, her cheeks starting to burn and turn a bright red. It was crazy how he still could give her butterflies all these years later.

Will almost laughs, “of course I love you.”

Mac is the one who laughs, she has to admit that she didn’t imagine him telling her he still loved her in the bathroom of this apartment, but it wasn’t like she needed some grand gesture either. She smiles as her hands land on his cheeks, “I love you too.”

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It was after their declarations of love that they finally got settled into bed again. Maybe it wasn’t the best of times, it was starting to get late, but it was as good as any time to finally have the conversation they’d been putting off since Will arrived at the hospital in Germany.

Mac lets out a nervous sigh, afraid that this conversation could change things, but knowing they have to have it anyway. “I want you to know first and foremost, that I’m so sorry for hurting you the way that I did. I know I’m going to be making this up to you for the rest of my life and I’m more than willing to do that. I also want you to know that I take full responsibility for everything, all of it.”

Will was quiet as he let her explain. He didn’t have anything to say and he knew after years of not listening and shoving her away that the best he could do was shut up and let her explain it all. 

That’s exactly what she does, she goes into detail about how Brian hated that she was dating Will and that it partially was in her plan to use him to get to Brian and make him regret breaking up with her. When Brian started calling again, she saw it as a chance to finally get unrejected and she took it. Will had never been a factor and she makes that clear to him, explaining that it was never about what he was and wasn’t doing for her and whether or not she was happy. It was all about her desperate need to be unrejected by a man who spent years making her feel like she was less than she really was.

“The thing that was never part of the plan though was falling in love with you… He started calling me again and I started seeing him again, but I realized that I had fallen madly in love with you. I mean, you were the man of my dreams and I was too blind to see it until I had thrown what we had away. None of this is an excuse, because I caused you more pain than I ever  _ ever _ wanted to, but it’s the honest truth. I don’t expect your forgiveness, but I hope you can at least accept my apology.”

Mac also adds an apology for leaving after they slept together before she left for Atlanta, explaining that she needed to be the one to leave that time. Either way she knew she’d hurt him that time too and she wanted to own up to it. 

Will was quiet for a short period of time, trying to gather his thoughts. He had heard and read some of her explanation in the emails and voicemails she left him over the years, but hearing the full thing was a lot to process. 

When several minutes pass by without a word from him, the pit that had formed in her stomach before she explained everything grows further. She was honestly expecting him to rescind his earlier proclamation of love and tell her this was all a mistake.

“I accept your apology,” Will begins breaking the silence that was slowly killing her, “and I forgive you.”

Her head shoots up quick from where she’d been staring down at the comforter, wondering if she heard him right. “You do?” she questions, the shock clear in her voice.

Reaching out, Will takes one of her hands into his own, “I spent the last three years of my life mad at you and the only thing it accomplished was putting a wall between myself and my own happiness. I don’t want to stand in the way of my own happiness anymore, and you make me happier than I could ever imagine. You hurt me, yes, but I also know that you didn’t do it out of malice. If anything your explanation and what I know about Brian just makes me want to knock his lights out.”

She laughs at that, “as much as I’d like for you to do that, he’s not worth your time.” Mac gently squeezes his hand and moves closer to him, “so if you’re not standing in the way of your own happiness anymore, what does this mean for us?”

He smiles, “hmm… well I was thinking that means we go from first base to second,” he jokes.

“Oh?” She raises a brow, “what’s second base?”

“Well, when I was in college-”

“Was that before or after the dinosaurs went extinct?”

Will gives her a playful glare, making her giggle, “as I was saying, when I was in college second base meant something along the lines of our first kiss.”

She smiles and moves both of her hands to his cheeks, “well then you better kiss me before you lose your chance.”

Chuckling, Will leans in and is met halfway by her in a slow and tender kiss. 

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Will finds himself being pulled from a peaceful sleep when he gets jabbed in the back by what seemed to be a restless Mackenzie. He groans and rubs his eyes which land on the clock across from him, informing him that it was two in morning. 

“Mac…” he grumbles in a weary voice as she rolls over. He didn’t have a clue why she woke him up at this hour and he was desperate to fall back to sleep. He’d been having a wonderful dream, about her actually and he really wanted to fall back asleep and hopefully back into that dream.

Whenever he turns over, instead of being greeted by the sight of her looking at him in the dimly lit bedroom he sees that she was actually still asleep. Will quickly realizes the reason that she’d hit him in the back was because she was restlessly moving around the bed like she was having a nightmare. He hesitates at first, because he isn’t sure if waking her would make things worse or not.

He decides to take that chance and begins to try and wake her, by grabbing hold of her shoulder and holding down on it to stop her from flailing around in the bed any further. “Mac…” he says softly, but much louder than a whisper.

It takes several tries and when she finally does wake up, Will is taken back as her eyes fill with tears. Pulling his hand away, he watches as she sits up and comes completely undone in front of him. It takes less than a minute for her to have a full blown panic attack and Will is slow to react at first, having not expected this to happen at all.

But, lucky for her (and unlucky for him), he’s dealt with his own panic attacks in the past. He’s quick to get out of bed and flick the light switch on so that they can see each other better. Rushing back onto the bed, Will places himself across from Mac. He doesn’t know if this is her first panic attack, he never saw her have any while they were together but that didn’t mean they never happened.

Although by the look on her face he has a feeling this hasn’t happened to her before. She doesn’t know how to handle it and the inability to breath is only making her panic more. “I…” she heaves and the tears were quickly streaming down her face, “I can’t…” she isn’t able to get out anymore as the panic continues. 

Will nods and stays calm the entire time, “I know, I know. I promise you’re okay. I want you to look me in the eyes and I want you to follow every move I make okay? I know you feel like you can’t but I need you to breathe in and hold it for just a few seconds and then breath out.”

But her mind is all over the place and convinced if she does that then her lungs will collapse and she’ll fall over dead right there in front of him. “I… I can’t” she sobs and gasps as her hyperventilated breathing continues.

So, Will opts for a second option. He has her follow after him and count backwards from ten over and over again. They do this until she comes down from hyperventilating to only slight panicked breathing. That’s when he switches to his first method and they breathe in and out slowly together until her breathing has gone back to normal again.

When he’s sure that the panic attack is fully over, Will scoots forward, “are you alright with me touching you?”

Mac only gives a tearful nod. Her breathing had gone back to normal, but the tears were still falling fast down her cheeks. 

He’s cautious as he pulls her into his arms, not wanting to make her feel suffocated and cause another panic attack. His hand rubs continuously up and down her back while her head rests on his shoulder. And his shirt was quickly soaked by her tears but he couldn’t care less, he just wants her heart rate to slow back to normal and for her to feel better.

They stay like that for several minutes and part of the reason was because she starts quietly crying again. He almost asks her what it was that caused the panic attack but the question dies on his tongue because he knew it had to do with being embedded for 26 months. There was no way she made it out of there without PTSD and he can’t even imagine what she saw during those 26 months. Though when she starts crying again and gripping onto him harder than before, he starts to understand that she wasn’t just crying over whatever PTSD infused nightmare she had. 

When they finally break apart, Will reaches out and brushes strand hairs out of her face and behind her ear. His eyes meet her bloodshot ones and his heart breaks to see her like this. He desperately wishes he could take away her pain, but life didn’t work that way. All he could do was comfort her through nights like these and he was more than willing to do just that.

His hand comes to one of her cheeks and wipes away stray tears with his thumb, “are you okay?” He knows she’s not  _ okay _ , but hopefully she’s feeling slightly better.

Mac sniffles as she nods and whispers an apology, somewhat embarrassed that their first night alone in three years turned into this. The only reason she’s not completely embarrassed is because she knows how caring and understanding he is, hell she’s pretty sure he just held her for five minutes straight without even thinking.

He insists that she doesn't apologize, that she had no reason to, and that he was more than okay with helping her through times like these. “Is there anything else I can do? Anything at all?”

She only shrugs in return, still sniffling and letting him catch the stray tears. “I know you’re really tired, but I don’t think I can sleep through the rest of the night…”

Will nods, “okay then I’ll stay up with you. What do you wanna do? Do you wanna watch something?” he suggests. There was no doubt he was exhausted, but he wasn’t about to let her stay up all night by herself. He could sleep another time, besides they were only traveling tomorrow.

“I just… I want to hear your voice. Talk about anything, I don’t care I just want to listen to you,” Mac insists. The one thing she always wanted while they were apart besides his bear hugs, his soft kisses, and his tight grip when they held hands was his voice. It was a soothing sound and sometimes enough to relax her right to sleep, which could be a good thing when he went on ramblings about something to do with some musical.

“Alright, easy enough,” he agrees and pulls away to get the lights off again.

When he slips back into bed with her, Will puts one arm around Mac and lets her rest her head down on his chest. His hand comes to rest on her hip and as he begins to talk, his fingers begin lightly grazing up and down along her side, sliding up her tank top in the process.

The two of them stay like that for the rest of the night, Will changing his rambling from different topics every now and then. At one point they had an actual conversation instead of him just talking and they both were able to remember how easy it was for the two of them to fall into a conversation and go on and on for what felt like forever.

When the sun starts peeking through the not fully shut curtain around seven in the morning, Mac pushes herself up a little and presses a kiss to his cheek as he continues to ramble. She’d stopped listening hours ago and was mainly focused on the sound of his voice and how it had completely calmed her. 

“Billy,” she says softly, trying to get his attention and to get him to stop talking.

“Hm?” he asks directly after, wanting to make sure she was alright. 

“Thank you for staying up with me, it means so much. Our flight isn’t until late in the afternoon, so I’m going to go finish packing up the rest of my things. Please get some rest, you deserve it,” she says softly.

Mac then scoots away from him and pulls the covers off her body. She could feel the exhaustion settling into her bones but she knew she was just going to have to power through it like she’d done for quite some time now. She wasn’t sure when exactly she’d be okay with sleeping again. 

Will reaches out and grabs her hand before she’s able to take off, “wait,” he insists.

Stopping in her spot and turning back, she raises a brow, “what’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” he replies and scoots across the bed to where she was. “Just that I love you,” he smiles tiredly before pressing a kiss to her lips.

Mac felt emotional all over again, but she holds herself together. Breaking apart from him she gives him a smile in return, “I love you too.” And she can’t believe she’s saying it and hearing it, because she never thought they’d be here again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me writing more Will comforting Mac moments? Who woulda guessed? 
> 
> No, but really, I felt like it was important to show that Mac definitely felt the effects of everything she went through. I didn’t want to neglect the PTSD she definitely has and how it effects her.
> 
> I hope you all enjoyed how this came to a close. Thank you so much for all the lovely comments you’ve give me throughout this story. Thank you if you left a kudos and thank you for taking the time to read this. I really enjoyed writing it. 
> 
> I’ll see you guys soon with a new one shot. Until then happy holidays and stay safe out there 💜


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